The Hunting Wives

by May Cobb

But mostly while growing up, I felt him by his absence, the void that my mother tried to constantly fill with new and different men.

And I’m still happy. But maybe my mother’s transient nature is in me, too. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so restless.

I take a deep breath and remind myself that I wanted all of this. So why isn’t all of this enough?

“You don’t feel worthy of love, or stability, because of the way you were raised. On some fundamental level, you’re drawn to those who don’t want you, because you didn’t feel wanted by your mom or your dad,”

SO OBVIOUSLY I didn’t consult with Nikki about my decision to upend my career at the magazine and move to Mapleton. I knew she would never understand actually wanting to hang out with a kid as much as possible.

As it turns out, you can’t outrun who you are. My darker urges simply followed me here and are even more amplified because it’s so quiet, and sometimes so boring.

So even though I longed for this, longed for someone stable like Graham, stability feels foreign to me, and I have to fight my impulse to fidget at every turn.

I squinted my eyes, tried to take a mental snapshot of the moment because the dread creeping over me told me that no matter what was coming next, things would never be the same again.

I’ve thought about moving back to Chicago—if Graham would agree to it—but then, I’m sick of running. And mainly, I’m sick of running from myself.