In The Event This Doesn't Fall Apart

by Shannon Lee Barry

and when I get to feeling lost I look for you.

I cried on the phone over a life I hadn’t experienced.

Why didn’t it hurt more? I am so used to the hurt.

Are you my future or her past?

Only thoughts— The way every good thing on earth has started.

And I am a person whole, long before you. I am a person whole without you. But I think the tiniest part of me will be suspended, waiting. There is the tiniest corner of life that won’t feel right until you’re back again.

I cried for her, the loss of her, and the realization that I hope she never has to come back.

I never loved anyone who deserved it.

I always felt endings rise up to smack me in the face before I could even take one step into the future.

I am living my life by a strong use of the word almost. I am almost everything; almost better, almost happy, almost where I want to be.