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January 28 - February 12, 2024
Signs That You Need Boundaries You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.
It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them. Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.
Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
The root of self-care is setting boundaries.
Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.
Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.
It’s tempting to start offering excuses or apologies. But it isn’t helpful to say you’re sorry about setting a boundary. Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourself—no excuses required. People may question your shift when you’ve done things that you are no longer willing to do. It’s okay to let them know that you changed your mind or that the arrangement no longer works for you.
“I was overwhelmed and unable to add another thing to an already full plate.”
People can’t meet a standard that we never express. Boundaries are not unspoken rules.
Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin
Ask people if they want you to just listen, or if they’re looking for feedback.
“To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.”
“All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves, and branches grow. The task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us. And the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time.”
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. —Brené Brown
It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are.
According to Debt.org, the average American carries a credit card balance of $8,398 and has at least four credit cards. The total U.S. consumer debt is $13.86 trillion, which includes mortgages, auto loans, credit cards, and student loans. A recent Charles Schwab study showed that 59 percent of Americans live paycheck to paycheck.
We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.
How to Set Boundaries Away from the Office Use all your allotted vacation days. According to the U.S. Travel Association, in 2018, American workers failed to use 768 million days of paid time off—a 9 percent increase from 2017. Don’t check work emails on the weekend. Don’t go into the office to catch up on the weekend. Don’t work while on vacation unless it’s an emergency. Plan for coverage, and delegate all you can while you’re away. Find hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with work. If your job is stressful, limit the way you talk about it with others, unless it’s your therapist.
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Managing Bad News When It’s All Over TV and the Internet You are who you follow, what you watch, and the websites you visit. You have the power to choose your user experience. In moments when something substantial happens in the world, you can remove yourself from the sources that drain your energy. If being informed comes at the cost of your sanity, make a temporary choice to minimize your digital usage.
