Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Our family histories and personalities determine how we implement and accept boundaries. If your family operates on unspoken limits or regularly ignores limits, you will probably grow up lacking the communication skills necessary to be assertive about your needs.

Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

It’s typical for people to be resistant to changes in a relationship. It can be confusing at first. However, if someone respects you, they will respect these changes.

When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone.

We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior. Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

Trauma bonding happens in families where children believe that they are responsible for what is said and done to them.

When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation. Regardless of the reason behind the abuse, it’s never okay for someone to abuse you. Even if the person is a parent, partner, or someone you trust, manipulation is an essential factor. People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.

Enmeshment prevents us from establishing a sense of individuality. It leads us to believe that we are responsible for how others feel, so we protect and shield them from what we perceive as undesirable outcomes. But meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.

Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings: Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning. For example: “I was stood up for a date, but it doesn’t matter because I had other things to do anyway.” Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist. Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.

It’s vital not to take ownership of how others treat you or to make excuses for their behavior. How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

Guilt isn’t a limitation to setting boundaries. It’s a feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will come and go. Try not to treat your guilt like the worst thing ever. Instead, embrace it as part of a complicated process—just one piece, not the entirety of the experience.