Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

When you say yes but want to say no, you feel something “off” in your body.

Here’s a reminder for adults who experienced emotional neglect in childhood: It was never your job . . . To be the man of the house. To be a confidant for your parent. To take care of your siblings. To learn things without parental guidance. To keep the peace within a chaotic home. To figure things out without emotional support. To be responsible for bills when you were a kid.

this is the case when we’ve reached a breaking point and have waited too long to set the boundary. But if you’re proactive about it, you won’t have to reach a breaking point. Then you’ll be able to communicate your limits respectfully.

people-pleasers would rather suffer in relationships without limits than face their fears.

Don’t betray yourself to please others.

Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable.

as a result of burying her emotions, all her feelings were surfacing at once.

Counterdependence Difficulty being vulnerable with others Unwilling to ask for help Preference for doing things without help Discomfort with being attached to others Purposeful, emotional distance Persistent feelings of loneliness Inability to identify and acknowledge feelings

We feel most comfortable being vulnerable when there is no fear of consequence.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family may make us feel shame. The shame leads to low self-esteem and people-pleasing.

Figuring out who you are separately from what you were made to believe about yourself

(yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you)

will not loan money to anyone if I can’t afford to offer it as a gift.

manage your distractions, plan wisely, and cut back on things that are a waste of time.

I admit to myself that I can’t do everything. I will stop trying to do everything and ease into doing what I can without overbooking myself.

Mantras for Self-Kindness “It will be okay.” “I did my best.”

When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy, you are taking time away from yourself.

Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad

You get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing as well as which people you wish to tell your personal business to. On

We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.

Boundary issues at work look like Doing work for others Being asked about personal issues Taking on more than you can handle Not delegating Flirting Working without pay Not taking advantage of vacation days Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete Engaging in stressful interactions Working during downtime Doing jobs intended for more than one person Not taking needed time off Boundaries are not common sense; they’re taught.

A toxic environment might include Working long hours Gossiping by several people Not being paid for additional work Cliques among coworkers Being mandated to complete more work in a limited time frame Negative communication among peers or superiors A narcissistic boss Being bullied Being sexually harassed Being mistreated based on race, physical ability, or sexual orientation

It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to join in the toxicity. If you’re in a toxic work environment, try this: Consider which boundaries might be the most helpful. Identify healthy people in the toxic environment. Document, document, document your issues with dates and times. If your boss isn’t part of the problem, talk to your boss. Speak up about your needs in meetings, to superiors, and with coworkers. Talk to Human Resources about the office culture. Find support outside the office to manage your work-related stress, such as talking to a therapist.

Consider this: work is where people spend the majority of their time, and your time is valuable. Therefore, being comfortable in the space where you spend the most time is essential for your well-being.