Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them.

This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

I can’t tell you how many people show up in my office lamenting, “I don’t have time to do anything for myself.” After a quick evaluation, it becomes apparent that these people are not making any time for themselves. In fact, it often seems like they’ve forgotten how to take care of themselves. They can’t manage to carve out time to eat a healthy meal or find five minutes to meditate, but they spend hours volunteering at their kids’ school every week.

This type of busyness is endemic in our culture. Everyone is striving to do more and more. Time is an afterthought. But our well-being is the price.

Healthy Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily.

Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.

Technology will continue to advance at a rapid rate, so it’s necessary to have limits in place to help you protect your happiness and relationships in the face of this pace.

To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Saying no to others allows you to say yes to yourself or to things you truly want.

Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone.

At its core, resentment is disappointment. Then you mix in anger and fear.

Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior.

Children have boundaries unless they’re shown or told it isn’t okay to have them.

To raise healthy children, it’s essential to allow them to have healthy boundaries. This can happen when we allow them to have a preference as to what they eat, what they wear, who they like, how they feel, and who they allow in their physical space.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin

When you say “I don’t want to be mean,” you’re assuming that what you say to another person will be perceived that way. But how do you know what others see as mean? The truth is, you don’t. The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words.

It’s natural to dislike it when you don’t get what you want, but being told no is healthy. It’s likely an indication that the other person has healthy boundaries. If you learn to manage your feelings about being told no, you will become a more sympathetic boundary-setter.

Ways to Handle Guilt-Tripping Call it out: “Are you trying to make me feel bad about my decisions?” Make the conversation about you, not them: “It’s nothing personal. I just have preferences for myself.”

Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs—maybe the other person will abandon them—so they do nothing to get their own needs met.

Assuming that the energy between you will become weird will create the exact uncomfortable tone you wanted to avoid. So assume that people will honor your boundaries, and act accordingly.

Don’t apologize for having and setting boundaries. When you apologize, it gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don’t believe you’re allowed to ask for what you want.

Speak up in the moment. When you remain silent, you give people the impression that what they said or did is okay with you. What you say doesn’t have to be well-thought-out or perfect. Simply say something like, “I don’t like it.” Saying anything is better than saying nothing.

“To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.” Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but someone else’s opinion about your life isn’t more valuable than your own.

You don’t have to offer your time freely to people you find emotionally draining. It may seem like you “have to” answer the phone, respond to a text, or answer an email, but you don’t.

boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.

“I don’t have time to waste time.”

When you make disparaging comments or cruel jokes about yourself, you give others license to do the same to you. So be mindful of what you say about yourself in front of others. Boundaries to Consider I speak to myself as gently as I would talk to a small child. I coach myself through awkward moments. I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly. I don’t call myself names.

Shouting is a choice you make to display that you’re mad. Yet plenty of angry people make the choice to cry, take deep breaths, walk away, or phone a friend to process their feelings.

If you notice that you attract the same type of person (people) over and over, ask yourself: What is it about me that attracts ____ type of people? What is this person trying to teach me about myself?

Consider this: When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy, you are taking time away from yourself. When you get distracted with other people’s stuff, you take time away from yourself. When you spend time that you don’t have to spare, you take time away from your goals.

Rules seem restrictive, but when you create them, you can include nuance. Therefore, having boundaries with yourself is not a restriction. Instead, they help you achieve your goal, build healthy relationships, and live according to your values. When you don’t keep your word to yourself, you are engaging in self-sabotage, self-betrayal, or people-pleasing.

If you’re afraid of disrespecting your parents, you might feel better sharing why the boundary is important to you.

Open communication works best when done proactively before a small issue becomes a big problem. Little things can easily add up, so address issues even when you believe them to be “not that big of a deal.”

Before having children, it’s essential to communicate the importance of maintaining the integrity of romance in your relationship. After children arrive, remember to focus on the partnership consciously.

Boundaries That Are Important for Parents Having consistent date nights Scouting repeatable babysitters for personal and couple time Asking for help from family Assigning kids a bedtime Prioritizing time to talk about topics other than the kids

When you become a parent, you add kids to your life. You don’t give up your life to parent children.

We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.

It’s important to realize that your friends’ issues are not your issues. Overly entangling yourself in other people’s problems is not an indicator of how much you love them. Instead, it shows your lack of healthy boundaries. You can be there for people without entangling yourself in their feelings, solutions, and outcomes.

toxic environment might include Working long hours Gossiping by several people Not being paid for additional work Cliques among coworkers Being mandated to complete more work in a limited time frame

Burnout is a response to unhealthy boundaries.

Instead of grabbing your phone, consider other ways you’d like to spend the first moments of your day, such as journaling, cuddling with your partner, stretching, or brushing your teeth. Find something else to do.

realize that their social life separate from you is no reflection on their relationship with you.

So whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.