Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries. Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

Learning to be assertive about your limitations with others will help you eliminate these symptoms and manage bouts of depression and anxiety.

Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected.

Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved,

When it comes to love, for some reason we all want our partner to read our minds and know everything we want without having to ask. But this is an impossible expectation!

Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.

“I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.”

They’ve seen their mothers personify a selfless image of womanhood, so in their attempt to be a woman, they repeat what they saw. But our mothers were burned out, too. It’s just that their generation often believed that they were obligated to do everything for others without complaint.

We won’t find time to go to the gym or eat well if we don’t have healthy boundaries with ourselves.

We can be traumatized by what we observe someone else experience. For example, if we witness domestic violence in our home, we’re impacted even if we are never physically or verbally abused ourselves.

If you don’t have time for something that you want to do, you don’t have healthy boundaries with time.