Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

When a child sets a boundary such as not wanting to eat a particular type of food, how does the parent respond? Offer other options (possibly along with the food the child didn’t want). Insist that the child eat what they said they didn’t like. Punish the child by not allowing them to eat anything. Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries: Option 1: “I hear you. I want you to eat something, so I will honor your request by presenting other options.” Option 2: “Your boundaries are not important to me, and I know what’s best for you.” Option 3: “You will be punished for having preferences. Do what I say.” When a child sets a boundary such as “I don’t want to hug your friend,” how does the parent respond? Allow the child to be self-selective about whom they feel comfortable showing affection to. Push the child to hug the friend. Shame or threaten the child by saying “It’s not nice to tell people no when they ask you for a hug,” or “If you don’t hug them, you’ll get a spanking.” Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries: