Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Through trial and error, I’ve learned that people will not guess my needs. They went about their day while I suffered in silence.

Fear is not rooted in fact.

If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship. Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

But trust me: short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.”

People can’t meet a standard that we never express. Boundaries are not unspoken rules.

When we consistently exercise, we set expectations for ourselves, defining what behaviors and habits we can and cannot accept. We won’t find time to go to the gym or eat well if we don’t have healthy boundaries with ourselves.

You’re Anxious About Future Interactions After a Boundary Has Been Set The fear is, “Things will be awkward between us after this.” Well, declaring a fear makes it so. If you state that you’ll behave awkwardly during your next encounter, you will. What if you continued the relationship normally instead? State your boundary, and proceed with typical business. You can’t control how your request is received, but you can choose to behave in a healthy way afterward. Maintaining a level of normalcy will help keep future encounters healthy. Do your part. Model the behavior you’d like to see in the relationship.

“My dad told me everything,” she said after a few sessions. He even told Alex the details of her mother’s affair. His model was “We don’t keep secrets.” Yet when Alex tried to share with her father, he immediately told her how to think instead of allowing her to talk. She consistently asked him for input on her decisions because she didn’t trust herself to make the “right” choices without his opinion. But he tended to be critical and dismissive of her feelings.

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders:

It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

Ending a relationship isn’t a sign that you no longer care about the other person. It’s an indicator of self-love, self-care, healthy boundaries, bravery, and your desire to be well.

The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.

Your parents are aware of intimate details of your relationship (particularly if they’re causing harm in the relationship). Your parents are involved with disputes you have with others. Your parents don’t respect your opinion. Your parents enter your personal space without asking. Your parents insist that you say yes to everything. You say yes to your parents out of obligation even when it’s inconvenient. Boundaries with your parents look like Expressing your feelings openly Managing your time in a way that works best for your schedule and lifestyle Not pressing yourself to attend every family event Giving them rules about your home Not allowing them to show up at your home unannounced Withholding intimate details of your relationship Not painting your partner in a negative light to your parents Saying no Introducing your partner to your parents when you’re ready Handling your own disputes with others Sharing your opinion with your parents Being transparent with your parents about your expectations of how they can engage with your partner Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of specific behavior from you

Define what it means to be in healthy relationships. Assess why you’re in relationships with certain people. Notice your energy while engaging with people. Do what feels right for you. Make peace with not having a relationship that everyone agrees with. Challenge societal norms about what relationships should look like. Discover what makes you happy in your relationships. Honor your feelings by making healthy choices.

What is the plan for the relationship? Do you have similar values? Are there any issues that are deal-breakers? How will you handle disputes? What is acceptable within the relationship? What unique rules do you want to implement for the relationship?

You can be there for people without entangling yourself in their feelings, solutions, and outcomes. The most loving thing you can do is listen. The most empowering thing you can do is allow people to work through their own problems. When you find yourself ruminating about someone else’s issues, stop and remind yourself that the issues aren’t yours. Tune in to your feelings and why you might be stuck on someone else’s problems. Enmeshment is a distraction from real ways that we can help others and be there for them. You have never helped anyone by worrying about them and thinking endlessly about their problems.

Persevere with the awareness that your boundaries are not for people to like. They’re for you to remain healthy in your relationships.