Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them. Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries.

Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs. They are a way to communicate your needs to others. They are a way to create healthy relationships. They are a way to create clarity. They are a way to feel safe.

Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally

Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary You fear being mean. You fear being rude. You’re a people-pleaser. You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set. You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help). You get your value from helping others. You project your feelings about being told no onto others. You have no clue where to start. You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships.

Being manipulated feels confusing because the manipulator is trying to make the other party feel bad. Therefore, we tend to give in to things we wouldn’t ordinarily agree to.

More examples of manipulation: Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you (gaslighting) Asking for help at the last minute and informing you that they have no other options Telling a story that’s intended to evoke pity Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behavior Using your relationship with them as a reason that you “should” do certain things; for example, “wives should cook,” or “you should see your mother every day.”

More examples of assertiveness: Saying no to anything you don’t want to do Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences Responding in the moment Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out