Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.

Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively.

Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful.

At the other extreme, rigid boundaries involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions.

Verbally communicating your needs is step one.

You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior.

Common Responses to Boundaries Pushback Limit testing Ignoring Rationalizing and questioning Defensiveness Ghosting Silent treatment Acceptance

Boundaries grow and expand over time as our needs change.

Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure.

Depression will increase if you take on too much without finishing any of the tasks you started.

There’s a difference between emotional abuse and emotional neglect, however. Emotional neglect is unintentional, while emotional abuse is more deliberate.

People who experienced emotional neglect tend to have issues developing healthy attachments to others, whether their attachment is anxious or avoidant.

Personal space and physical touch are your physical boundaries. Your physical space is the perimeter around your body.

Micro boundary violations are small violations that often occur in everyday encounters, as opposed to long-term relationships. With micro boundary violations, we aren’t usually as emotionally affected.

Macro boundary violations are big violations that erode the fabric of our relationships with others. These are long-standing and persistent. The frequency of the violations can even change the structure of the relationship.

Microaggressions are considered harmless by the deliverer. However, microaggressions are harmful expressions of a more in-depth belief system. Though seemingly small, they have a huge impact.

Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries. To avoid confrontation, we hope the other person will figure out what they’re doing wrong and self-correct their behaviors through our indirect actions.

The question I’m asked most often is “How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?” There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is a part of this process. Guilt typically happens as a result of thinking that what you’re doing is “bad.” It comes from your programming about telling people what you need or want.

“My absolute favorite question anyone asks me when I’m struggling is, ‘Do you want empathy or a strategy right now?’”

Here is a list of some areas where self-boundaries are helpful: Your finances Your time management Your self-care The treatment you allow from others Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you) Your reactions The people you allow in your life

Simply put, your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management issues.

Adhering to a monthly budget

Maintaining good financial habits like paying bills on time and not racking up debt from buying things you don’t need or things that can wait until you can truly afford them

“I can change my habits.”

Confidence in your boundaries is the cure for self-sabotage.

Comparing yourself with others (friends, family, strangers on the internet, a past version of yourself)