Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

There’s more to boundaries than saying no.

Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior.

Kids’ boundaries are violated when kids are placed into adult roles—even when these roles happen as a result of necessity.

Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries.

People with high ACE scores, which is anything over a 4, are more prone to health issues, relationship problems, and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression.

Vulnerability is our ability to share who we are with others. We feel most comfortable being vulnerable when there is no fear of consequence. Being vulnerable allows us to be honest and open about the experiences that have shaped us. Fearing vulnerability is fearing judgment.