Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself. Avoidance Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship. Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real-life solution. Learning to be assertive about your limitations with others will help you eliminate these symptoms and manage bouts of depression and a...