Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself. Avoidance Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship. Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real-life solution. Learning to be assertive about your limitations with others will help you eliminate these symptoms and manage bouts of depression and a...

Boundary issues at work look like Doing work for others Being asked about personal issues Taking on more than you can handle Not delegating Flirting Working without pay Not taking advantage of vacation days Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete Engaging in stressful interactions Working during downtime Doing jobs intended for more than one person Not taking needed time off

Here are some other ways to avoid burnout: Don’t allow one day of vacation time to go unused. Vacations are an opportunity to recharge and reset. Take advantage of this when you have an employer that offers paid time off. If your employer doesn’t offer time off, save up (if you can), and take some time to recharge. Getting out of the workplace is a meaningful way to restore your energy. Make time for yourself outside work. Find a hobby that has nothing to do with your job, and take part in it regularly. Take your lunch break away from your desk. If you must sit at your desk, don’t work through lunch. Take this time to meditate, watch an episode of The Office, go for a walk, or have lunch with a coworker while chatting about non-work-related things. Prioritize time for yourself either before or after work. Before you start your workday, take a few minutes to engage in a relaxing practice such as meditating for a few minutes, reading something uplifting, or watching something motivational. Taking a few moments before, throughout the day, or after work, will help you center your thoughts, lower your blood pressure, and provide some balance.

Boundaries in the office look like Trying not to eat lunch at your desk, but if you do, don’t work while eating lunch Being direct about ending conversations that distract you from working Arriving at work on time Leaving work on time Minimizing distractions such as texting and calls to family and friends during the workday, as these exchanges prevent you from finishing your work on time Taking a nap on your lunch break; studies show that taking naps improves willpower and focus Closing your office door to minimize distractions Figuring out strategies to avoid taking work home, if possible

How to Communicate Boundaries to Your Boss People base your ability to perform on what they think is reasonable for your role, on the needs of the company where you work, and sometimes on what your boss sees themselves as capable of doing. For instance, if a boss works in the evening and while on vacation, they may expect you to do the same. Doing anything different might be frowned upon. When this is the case, it’s your job to advocate for reasonable expectations, not requirements based on your boss’s lack of boundaries. Of course, you would never say “You’re unreasonable because you have unhealthy boundaries.” Instead, you might say, “It’s important to me to recharge when I’m out of the office in order to be fully present when I’m at work. I’d like to restrict my work, as much as possible, to the following time frames.” When communicating your needs to your boss, be sure to use “I” language. Make it about you, not them.

It’s your job to protect your energy. Some people feel entitled to your time, but your time is yours to manage.

People with boundaries sleep better. People with boundaries experience less burnout. People with boundaries have healthier relationships that tend to last longer. People with boundaries experience less stress. People with boundaries feel more joyful. People with boundaries benefit from the short- and long-term value of setting them.