Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance.

prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.

Rigid boundaries look like Never sharing Building walls Avoiding vulnerability Cutting people out Having high expectations of others Enforcing strict rules

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally

Examples of healthy boundary setting: Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at that moment

Communication Verbally communicating your needs is step one. People cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or unspoken expectations. When you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you. Assertive statements are the most effective way to do this.

How to Talk to People When They’re Being Defensive Make it about yourself, not them. Use “I” statements. Talk about one issue at a time. Don’t talk about old issues with this person while stating your boundary. Use “feeling” words, such as “When you ____, I feel ____.” Say something in the moment or soon after. Don’t let issues fester for days, weeks, or months. Know your audience. If you can’t talk in person, text or email your thoughts. Truly, some conversations are best had in person. But when you feel you won’t be able to set the boundary face-to-face, set it by any means necessary.

“I will save 10 percent before buying myself something new.” “I will create a budget for my spending and use the budget as a guide to curb impulse purchases.” “I will not spend more without having money saved, even if I earn more.”

Boundaries to Consider I admit to myself that I can’t do everything. I will stop trying to do everything and ease into doing what I can without overbooking myself. I will check my calendar before I say yes to any request. I plan to be on time by giving myself more time than I need. I delegate what I can, especially the things I don’t need to do myself. I put myself on a schedule, write the schedule down, and stick to it religiously. I plan my day. I put realistic plans into place to avoid distractions.

I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

Boundaries to Consider When people raise their voice at me, I tell them it’s not okay. I address issues when they arise instead of allowing them to fester. When a boundary is violated, I clearly define my expectations for communication in the beginning and throughout my relationships. Example: “I’d prefer if we talked about serious matters in person instead of over text.” When I notice that someone is trying to manipulate me by intentionally trying to guilt me or pushing my boundaries, I recognize it as manipulation and uphold my boundaries. When someone says something about me that isn’t true, I immediately correct them. Example: They might say, “You’re always late.” You might respond: “I was late today. However, there are other times, such as ____, when I’ve been on time.” Don’t argue; just state what you know to be true.

What is it about me that attracts ____ type of people? What is this person trying to teach me about myself? What am I trying to work through in this relationship?

I create an idea of the type of people I want in my life. When I notice issues in my relationships, I honor myself by speaking up.

Saying yes to yourself may look like Foregoing an extra hour of television when you know you need to get up early Staying hydrated Saying no to invitations you don’t wish to honor Adhering to a monthly budget Taking regular breaks and not working yourself to the bone Going on affordable vacations Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad Setting a “do not disturb” on your phone after 8:00 p.m. Taking care of your physical health by going to the doctor and taking medication as prescribed Taking care of your mental health by going to therapy Resting when your body needs it Reading for pleasure, not with the intent to learn or grow a new skill Finding healthy ways to manage your emotions Maintaining good financial habits like paying bills on time and not racking up debt from buying things you don’t need or things that can wait until you can truly afford them

Hoping a relationship will improve without assessing it realistically will land you back in a similar or worse situation than before.