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February 1, 2024
It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them. Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.
Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
I can’t tell you how many people show up in my office lamenting, “I don’t have time to do anything for myself.”
After a quick evaluation, it becomes apparent that these people are not making any time for themselves. In fact, it often seems like they’ve forgotten how to take care of themselves.
Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care.
If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits.
Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall.
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.
Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.
Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you.
They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.
This response is less extreme than ghosting but still painful. It’s also passive-aggressive and a form of punishing you for trying to set the boundary. This person will be noticeably distant after you assert your need. If you try to talk to them, they will offer short responses like yes or no. It’s lonely and confusing to be the receiver of the silent treatment. The other person is present, but not really.
Being honest and up front (from the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your partner lots of heartache and arguments. In a long-term relationship, you’ll have to set boundaries as each of you grows and the relationship evolves.
Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure. Burnout happens when people become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted.
Unrealistic expectations of yourself and others can also trigger anxiety. Sometimes, expectations arise as a result of comparing yourself with others, or your expectations may come from family or cultural norms or your friends. If you deal with frequent anxiety, it’s important to become aware of what is a reasonable expectation and what isn’t. To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this:
Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?
Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.
Relationships that have the potential to be healthy often become unhealthy because of either rigid or porous boundaries. Either we are strict about them, or we give people free rein with no limits. These scenarios create one-sided relationships, in which one person does most of the work to keep the relationship going.
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Without boundaries, relationships usually end, or we become fed up from being mistreated. Sometimes we allow mistreatment for so long that we can’t take it anymore. Then, since we never clearly communicated our unhappiness, the other person is shocked to find out how much we suffered.
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In your relationships, are people clear about how you desire to be treated? How are you treating yourself? Others learn a lot about you from watching how you treat yourself.
People can sense your lack of self-esteem or neediness based on how you talk to yourself, talk about yourself, and treat yourself behaviorally. Be kind to yourself, because the people in your life are watching. This doesn’t mean that people have a right to be mean.
People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling. They want to appear as good, helpful, and inviting.
Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings: Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning. For example: “I was stood up for a date, but it doesn’t matter because I had other things to do anyway.” Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist. Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.
Sometimes we feel sad because we don’t want to be mean. If you see setting boundaries as mean or rude, you will be sad after setting one.
It’s natural to feel like you didn’t do the right thing. When we set boundaries, this happens because we think we’re doing something wrong.
