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April 9 - April 17, 2023
Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
so many people—especially women—who give and give so much, only to feel exhausted and even depressed as a result. This is why we live in a culture of burnout.
Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.
The root of self-care is setting boundaries.
If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up.
A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you.
Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.
Saying no to others allows you to say yes to yourself or to things you truly want.
when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.
Don’t betray yourself to please others.
Step #1 Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone—don’t yell or whisper.
Step #2 Directly state your need or request, or say no. Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.
Step #3 Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.
blurred boundaries aren’t an advantageous way to effect change in our relationships.
Sometimes, help (solicited or unsolicited) from others comes with strings attached—“I get to tell you how to live your life.” When we share a problem with someone, they may consider it helpful if they say, “You need to ____.” This is a common boundary issue between adults over the age of eighteen and their parents, who struggle to stop telling their kids what they should do.
‘Do you want empathy or a strategy right now?’”
People expect you to give in eventually. They continue to ask because you haven’t declared in no uncertain terms that you won’t give in. Saying “stop” can save you the need to repeatedly push people off. So be direct, and tell them you’re not interested.
In Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about the importance of making small changes to generate significant results: “All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves, and branches grow. The task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us. And the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time.”
You are who you say you are. Affirming yourself as who you want to be will keep you in the mindset of making changes to implement your boundaries consistently.
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. —Brené Brown
It’s your job to maintain the standard of how others treat you.
When we want people to respect our boundaries, it may be necessary to repeat them.
Saying yes to yourself may look like Foregoing an extra hour of television when you know you need to get up early Staying hydrated Saying no to invitations you don’t wish to honor Adhering to a monthly budget Taking regular breaks and not working yourself to the bone Going on affordable vacations Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad Setting a “do not disturb” on your phone after 8:00 p.m. Taking care of your physical health by going to the doctor and taking medication as prescribed Taking care of your mental health by going to therapy Resting when your
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we’re capable of accomplishing more than we believe we can do.
You get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing as well as which people you wish to tell your personal business to.
The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this. —James Clear, Atomic Habits
You Become an Adult When You Set Boundaries with Your Parents
How do you change your relationship from that of a child to that of an adult child? For your entire life, your parents have been acquainted with you inside and out. They know what to say to trigger you and get what they want.
when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious.
assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can’t read your mind.
Having uncomfortable conversations can save relationships.
Being assertive sets an expectation for your partner. You’re no longer simply reacting to every problem; you’re proactive about the issues in your relationship.
In her chapter titled “The Valley of O.P.P. (Other People’s Problems),” Vanzant notes: We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.
Burnout is a response to unhealthy boundaries.
