Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

When a child sets a boundary such as “I don’t want to hug your friend,” how does the parent respond? Allow the child to be self-selective about whom they feel comfortable showing affection to. Push the child to hug the friend. Shame or threaten the child by saying “It’s not nice to tell people no when they ask you for a hug,” or “If you don’t hug them, you’ll get a spanking.” Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries: Option 1: “I hear you. If you feel uncomfortable showing someone affection, I will respect your preference.” Option 2: “Your boundaries are not important to me, and I know what’s best for you.” Option 3: “You will be punished for having preferences. Don’t embarrass your parents. Other people’s feelings are more important than your own.” To raise healthy children, it’s essential to allow them to have healthy boundaries. This can happen when we allow them to have a preference as to what they eat, what they wear, who they like, how they feel, and who they allow in their physical space.