Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story

But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.

The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships. People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts

She didn’t trust herself without feedback from other people. With healthy emotional boundaries, you express your feelings and personal information to others gradually, not all at once. This

fact, as codependents, we have a hard time distinguishing our needs from the needs of the other person.

When someone is passive, they think something like this: “I’m uncomfortable sharing my needs. Therefore, I will keep them to myself.”

Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs—maybe the other person will abandon them—so they do nothing to get their own needs met.

will act out how I feel, but I’ll deny how I feel.”

Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries. To avoid confrontation, we hope the other person will figure out what they’re doing wrong and self-correct their behaviors through our indirect actions.

Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.

There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries.

Guilt isn’t a limitation to setting boundaries. It’s a feeling.

You can also carry on with your life while feeling guilty.

boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

we victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.

Accept that they, although difficult, are entitled to their response even if it’s different from the one you’d like.

Don’t apologize for having and setting boundaries. When you apologize, it gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don’t believe you’re allowed to ask for what you want.

fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice, or asking, “Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?”