Broken Horses

by Brandi Carlile

That moment bothered me until I was an adult…until I had my children and realized that these are completely normal childish moments of innocent selfishness. The idea that a child might carry around guilt or a sense of responsibility for us as parents is so unfair…but I worry about it a lot.

I clearly remember being able to understand everything and feeling sort of existential in general, but I simply couldn’t explain why I was so worried all the time. It wasn’t so much a daytime problem; I still had a lot of fun…but fear is indelible and playdates aren’t.

My little sister was almost six and starting to become very aware of how unstable our home life was getting. While Mom was still struggling with depression from losing her father and sleeping a lot of the time, my young dad was slipping into dangerous alcoholism.

Artists I love never seem to reveal themselves later in life as a person who struggled to get by in their youth and also a person who is a narcissistic, insufferable asshole at times. I just personally find it liberating to tell you this because it’s true. I can’t be seen as an angel in these times or any times, although I wish it were so. I have been lost, racist, religious, brutal, and broken before. I hurt people as much as I’ve been hurt.

The way our band agreement works is really pretty funny. If I decided to quit and rename myself Yusuf Carlile, the twins could tour and call themselves Brandi Carlile for the rest of their lives. I don’t own that name anymore. There’s so much in a name…but that one’s taken. It’s a family name now.

When someone believes in you while you’re a work in progress, never forget them.

When Phil started to date my sister, it was very hard for me. I was so confused and didn’t know who I was more worried about, my sister who was nineteen, and eleven years younger than crazy tattooed Phil, or my recently divorced, heartbroken friend. To be honest, I was concerned it would be the end of our band. I was too protective of my sister and too mixed up about my parenting role to survive a Tiffany-and-Phil breakup. Thank God they got married and all turned out very well.

Even Barack Obama had famously come out and said he was against gay marriage during the presidential debates.

Barack Obama had just been the first U.S. president to ever come out in support of marriage equality. He apologized about his earlier opinion on the matter and appealed to those with the power to abolish the marriage ban that LGBTQ citizens should be granted the right to marry. For the first time in my life I believed the laws might change. I was proud of my home again and Catherine was thrilled.

I understand who I am as an artist because I understand that I don’t understand who I am as an artist. It can all change at any time. I don’t make apologies for that anymore.

This is when we discover who the forgiveness is really for. We do it for ourselves. It’s for us. Nothing heals otherwise. “Unforgiveness” is a kind of cancer.

All these years have taught me that fishing is really just an attempt to connect to something that you know is there, but that you can’t see.

This revelation freaked me out so bad that I vowed to stop drinking before I sang from now on and to train and exercise my voice regularly. I needed to make some lifestyle changes. My voice wouldn’t have lasted another year the way I was treating it with alcohol, late-night food, never enough water, no rest, and constant colds. I was so stressed out that I got very sick.

Sometimes with the kindness in their eyes they fool you into thinking they’re somehow dependent on you…that you are their person. This is a gift and a lie. They are so much more mystical than that. A horse can kill you. Especially a broken one. Every moment you spend with him is a moment he’s simply deciding to let you live.

But once again I was shocked to see the double standard that folks are willing to impose on women in this realm. We know about Cash, Hank, Merle, Waylon, and George—we know all these men were delightfully self-destructive drug addicts, some even convicted criminals who left their wives and kids on multiple occasions. Total hell-raisers, yet we literally sing their songs in church! Our undying love and reverence for these men (mine included) rivals any religious deity I can think of, yet Tanya Tucker is considered “finished” in the world of country music. She’s held permanently accountable for her addictions and her past shenanigans. She’s in her sixties now and bears a cross of regret that you just find yourself wanting to carry for her for a while. That was my plan.

I left L.A. and immediately took my wife and kids on a vacation to Mexico. We ate great food and stayed on a beautiful beach in a tiny, one-room hut, where we all slept in the same bed. I only want to be with them….But I never relaxed. If there was ever going to be a “moment” for me, surely this was it? It felt much more like a midlife beginning than a resting point.

You meet the exact same people on the way up that you do on the way down, so be prepared for anyone to be your future boss.

People in this country who are in positions of privilege must learn to find ways of fighting for the just treatment of others not by centering and platforming themselves but by holding up the ones who are suffering. It’s not about shame or repentance, it’s about understanding that Dr. King still gets the bullhorn while many of us must organize, galvanize voters, peacefully protest, teach our children, plead with our parents, pray, resist, and amplify.

One thing I do know though is that WHEN we get back onstage again, whether it’s Red Rocks or the Crocodile Café, we will know exactly who we really are for the first time and you will know who you are as well. Stardust without the meteor.