Broken Horses

by Brandi Carlile

My mother had a more comfortable childhood. She’s one of three girls and like her mother has always been very charming and mischievous. She can read a room like no one else. She’s vain. She loves music and art. If she’s sunny and happy, then everyone she meets is too. Her enthusiasm can’t be resisted. If she’s not in a good space though, you’re not going to be either.

Most people live in their childhood homes for a while. It softens the edges on the memories and gives them a comforting wash, a kind of afterglow, set against routine and consistency.

It can be hard to understand the difference between what you remember and the things other people tell you about your childhood, but I have a theory that people who are beyond consciousness or in a coma enter an astral plane of perception—what they hear in that state is clear and stored forever.

I think we enter this state many times in our lives. Sometimes when we dream, sometimes when we disassociate, most extremely if we cross over through a near-death experience. This state informs who we are in between two worlds…which is probably who we really are.

This experience and a few others have also given me a faith that is as impervious to political extremism as it is to the whims of culture. That tape was my comfort blanket or that one tattered stuffed animal that a child is fundamentally attached to. I must have lost it in one of our moves. I think things disappear when we don’t need them anymore. I listened to that music every night. It was my proof that God is real.

“STAND BY ME” When the night has come And the land is dark And the moon is the only light we’ll see No I won’t be afraid, oh I won’t be afraid Just as long as you stand, stand by me

Whenever you’re in trouble, won’t you stand by me? Oh, stand by me Whoa, just stand now Oh, stand, stand by me When all of your friends have gone

I believe the Judds were one of the first important influences on my connection with my mother. I knew subconsciously that I wasn’t feminine or lighthearted enough for her…but I could sing, and I loved music as much as she did. That was our language.

“SKYLINE PIGEON” Turn me loose from your hands Let me fly to distant lands Over green fields, trees and mountains Flowers and forest fountains Home along the lanes of the skyway

Fly away, skyline pigeon fly Towards the dreams You’ve left so very So very far behind —ELTON JOHN AND BERNIE TAUPIN

Sometimes I think that I know What love’s all about And when I see the light I know I’ll be all right. —NEIL YOUNG

It’s not a a cry that you hear at night It’s not somebody who’s seen the light It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know What’s really going on below But now you never show that to me, do ya But remember when I moved in you The holy dove was moving, too And every breath we drew was Hallelujah Hallelujah

-Leonard Cohen

Maybe we hurt who we love the most Maybe it’s all we can stand Maybe we walk through the world as ghosts Break my own heart before you can Maybe we know how the story ends Maybe it’s not even about us We both retreat to opposing stands and the love lives on without us One thing I know for sure is love will find a way

When someone believes in you while you’re a work in progress, never forget them.

I’m beginning to feel the years, but I’m going to be okay As long as you’re beside me along the way I’m gonna to make it through the night And into the morning light

And from the shelter of my mind, Through the window of my eyes, I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets, To England where my heart lies. —Paul Simon

My mind’s distracted and diffused My thoughts are many miles away They lie with you when you’re asleep And kiss you when you start your day

And so you see I have come to doubt All that I once held as true I stand alone without beliefs The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain Weave their weary paths and die I know that I am like the rain There but for the grace of you go I —SIMON AND GARFUNKEL

Call her green and the winters cannot fade her Call her green for the children who have made her little, green Be a gypsy dancer

There’ll be icicles and birthday clothes And sometimes there’ll be sorrow —JONI MITCHELL

judy gregory you are such sad soul

Although it was sad and it hurt really bad There’s nothing I’d change from before I love you my friend my dear means to an end But you’re not in my dreams anymore. —BRANDI CARLILE

There is nothing more real or more practical in this universe than mysticism. Remember that…and it’s usually sitting right smack in the middle of grief.

There’s a dark and a troubled side of life There’s a bright and a sunnyside, too ’though we meet with the darkness and strife The sunnyside we also may view Keep on the sunnyside Always on the sunnyside Keep on the sunnyside of life It will help us everyday It will brighten all the way If we’ll keep on the sunnyside of life

I understand who I am as an artist because I understand that I don’t understand who I am as an artist. It can all change at any time.

All these years have taught me that fishing is really just an attempt to connect to something that you know is there, but that you can’t see.

I HAD TWO broken horses…and they were the most unbroken creatures I’ve met here on earth.

Bring my flowers now while I’m livin’, I won’t need your love when I’m gone, Don’t spend time, tears, or money on my old, breathless body, If your heart is in them flowers, bring them now.

I DON’T KNOW who I am as an artist after this album and after Joni, but I know I’m not Joni Mitchell.

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside I’m not one of those who can easily hide I don’t have much money, but boy, if I did I’d buy a big house where we both could live If I was a sculptor, but then again, no Or a man who makes potions in a travelin’ show Oh, I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do My gift is my song and this one’s for you And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it’s done I hope you don’t mind I hope you don’t mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you’re in the world I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss Well, a few of the verses, well, they’ve got me quite cross But the sun’s been quite kind while I wrote this song It’s for people like you that keep it turned on So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do You see, I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it’s done

hope you don’t mind I hope you don’t mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you’re in the world —ELTON JOHN AND BERNIE TAUPIN

Songs are like tattoos You know I’ve been to sea before Crown and anchor me Or let me sail away Hey Blue And there is a song for you Ink on a pin Underneath the skin An empty space to fill in

Musicians are rarely as “buttoned-up” or as glamorous as our industry would like you to believe.

People in this country who are in positions of privilege must learn to find ways of fighting for the just treatment of others not by centering and platforming themselves but by holding up the ones who are suffering. It’s not about shame or repentance, it’s about understanding that Dr. King still gets the bullhorn while many of us must organize, galvanize voters, peacefully protest, teach our children, plead with our parents, pray, resist, and amplify.

Joni. I’ll never know where to start. In your quiet wisdom you made me loud enough to drown out all other voices and pointed me toward the artist inside me. It’s never just music.