The Not-Outcast

by Tijan

He’d told them not to befriend me. He was trying to protect me. At least in my head that’s what he was doing.

I was already growling, wanting to tear his head off, whoever it was.

This was me and I wasn’t giving a damn. That girl was mine. Everyone else just needed to learn it. And fast.

That part of my mom was what I inherited and what was coming to the surface now and as my girl shifted…that’s when I saw the guy. I wanted to take his head off, now. Right fucking now.

The guy was standing by my girl. She’d learn. So would he. Everyone in the room would learn. I was about to claim her in a big fucking way.

He’d find out in the morning, for sure, and that was if everything happened how I thought it was going to happen, but one night. One freaking night. After that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me because of who I was.

I pulled on one of the shirts, and I had somehow slept in my underwear and bra. Why the bra, I didn’t know. I didn’t think I’d ever know. It would remain one of the world’s mysteries, like where did the socks keep disappearing to?

I’m really loving how her brain works

I was riled up and claiming her, because apparently that was a thing with me. I had no clue until her that I could possess such strong feelings…but now, I wanted to punch someone for just being asked about her.

I’d come a long way from years of therapy and meds, but my brain still wandered, and no amount of medication or techniques could control that all the time.

“Yo!” “Heehaw!” That was my go-to startled reaction/scream. Do not make fun of me for it,

But it wasn’t about getting a boyfriend, it was about someone loving me, even just liking me, because so many of them didn’t like me. My mother. Chad. My father. My stepmother. Hunter had been super chill, and thinking about him made me destress, just a bit here.

I didn’t remember you because I probably saw you and still only saw hockey. I don’t remember any of the girls I fucked from back then, or in my one year at college. I see you now. I want you now. Why’s that such an issue for you?”

This is one of the worst parts. When someone is asking, when you’ve made yourself vulnerable to them, opened yourself up for judgment, and you then have to wait if they’ll ‘get it’ or if they’ll dismiss it because when they dismiss your truth, they dismiss you.

“Can I talk you into watching a movie? Or sports highlights? I mean, is it okay if I just hang out with you, that is, if you’re feeling up to it now?” More heat. More tingles, and I was beginning to throb. There was a whole blooming thing happening in my body.

and there were feelings involved. Those feelings came out of nowhere. And they were intense, and we were all playing catch up, including myself.

But back to my girl, because she was mine, even with the shit that went down here tonight. My Cheyenne.

When I looked down, Cut was still on the ice, but now he was staring right at me.

How could someone look so fierce, so proud, so stubborn, and so sad at the same time? How could someone reach inside you and yank out all these emotions that you didn’t know existed? She did that, and this wasn’t going away.

I closed my eyes. I really enjoyed this feeling. It was warming to someone who’d only ever been cold. I hadn’t known anything other than the cold until the first time he touched me.

It was because he cared about me, and I was really starting to feel that. He’d said it before, but hearing someone cares about you and actually believing someone cares about you are two different things.

He’s doing you wrong because you care, because you asked him, because he said he would be better. He didn’t do better, for you. You have to answer that, not me. I’m hurting for you, not for me. I’m never going to let them hurt me, so you need to understand that. I’m only hurting because they’re hurting you and in the process, they’re hurting Hunter.”

I’ll come up to one of my anchors and I grab hold and I stay there for a bit. I don’t slip away because of my anchors. You’re one of them. You’ve almost dammed up my river and I really like that.”

“I think I’m willing to give up the river for you.” His eyes took on a tender and loving look. He softened, and he leaned toward me. “If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then… me too.”

“You’re a hundred percent wrong about Cheyenne, but you need to realize it. And it’s not about you liking the girl I’m falling in love with.”

“So have empathy for the kid he hasn’t been there for, and you know what? If you can’t see the similarities between your dickhead dad and how Deek is being regarding Cheyenne, then I don’t know what to say or do.”

“You’re right. I mean, he bought her off in a way. What right does she have to push for a relationship with her brother? Her college got paid off. How dare she?” “Exactly!” I stared at him. Hard.

Wow.. just wow.

“We came over to mess with Chad’s phone.” I let that sink in for a bit. Then, looked down at Cheyenne, who waved. “Hi.” Hi, my ass.

I couldn’t help myself. I whispered, “Please don’t love me and then throw me away.” I couldn’t look at him when I said that.

I worked until I just sat there, just holding her, and that’s when I knew. There wouldn’t be a day where I wouldn’t want to do this.

Since that first party, and I just fell harder and harder each time she stripped herself down for me.

“I love you because you have every reason to be angry at the world, and you’re not. You wake up smiling, and you stay smiling. You’d choose laughter over anything, all day and every day.”

You deal and you keep moving forward, and you try to love everyone on the way. Because that’s how you are, and if you really want to know, I’d be fucking lucky to have you as a wife, and I’d be the wealthiest man in the world if you ever decide to give me a child. I’m not talking money. I’m talking life. You would be giving me life.

And his voice came out choked, “I cannot lose you. I feel like I just got you. And there’s a feeling in me, like I’ve been searching for you since high school, since maybe that first time I saw you at the locker. I don’t know if that’s true, but I cannot lose you. You understand me? But having said that, I agree with your friends.”

Oh sweet Jesus my heart