Hunger

by Knut Hamsun

All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without diminishing or flickering.

But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.

I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever, and I felt an instinctive longing for water.

"This is the way one dies!" said I to myself.

I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for a while and thought over that I was to die.

All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.

Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter, ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of red-tape.

Might I not have the honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed?

And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.

And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one. "Andreas Tangen--journalist." I advanced and bowed. "But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?" I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key.... "Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well then?" I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!" "I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning." And I went!

A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I dared not demand one.

A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover who I really was; they might arrest me for false pretences; and so, with elevated head, the carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride out of the guard-house.

The sun shone warmly, early as it was.

My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.

"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of ruby-- Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan!

"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of ruby-- Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate of beef!"

The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses below chewing oats.

How depressing everything looked!

The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the provincial papers.

Hans Pauli Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it.

I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I could, along the street.

The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine.

The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams.

An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose down over her wares.

An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose down over her wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of nice things, and I turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up with the windows!

"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little tin plate; "only a halfpenny."

Supposing I were to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could I get for them?

"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I will read it," and he turned to the table again.

A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.

There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature didn't understand it at all.

Life stirs again in all my fibres, and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green blanket."

It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard.

I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again, smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my right mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit this rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I had half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had the opportunity of carrying into effect this fault which would have sullied the last hours I had to live.

I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast, apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And time went by.

With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without looking at the people who passed me by.

With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.

There must be other channels yet open that I had not tried, and I would try them.

"My dear fellow, why do you come to me?" he queried; "you are a perfect stranger off the street to me; go to the paper where you are known."

"It concerns a couple of pence for food," I said, and I tried to smile. "I am hungry, and haven't a fraction."

"My dear man, do you want me to steal out of the till?" he queried, impatiently.

If all hope is over, why there is an end of it.

Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it no one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help for it. Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of oats in the stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was shut.

I even felt nausea at the spittle I swallowed.

"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said "Uncle"; I told you that once before."

My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched out my hand with the buttons in it.

"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.

A week passed in glory and gladness.

Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the worst, I still had the ships to take to.

Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the worst, I still had the ships to take to. The Nun lay alongside the wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches, particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.

Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write.

No Scotch minister could look milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars wherever it attacked.

"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in advance; you can write for it, you know."

"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in advance; you can write for it, you know." Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer humiliated me somewhat, and I answered: "No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much, all the same. Good-day!" "Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his desk again.

He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it

He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the "commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once more.

Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.

Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy, dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the whole week through.

Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy, dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound, the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the harness of the droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything, sounded choked and jangling through the close air, that penetrated and muffled everything. Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same. And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In this way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to writing again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together that satisfied me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove early and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.

Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged nervous excitement.

one might die of too much pride....

Had she, then, at any time, had the experience that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of, without that person returning and demanding them again?

The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter how I ate I was still greedily hungry.

Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all the homes.