Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life

by Jordan B. Peterson

We remember the pitfalls and successes of the past so that we can avoid the former and repeat the latter.

It is for such reasons we are so captivated by people who can tell a story—who

We value such stories particularly if they have attained the pinnacle of generalizability, representing heroic battles with the unknown, as such, or the dissolution of tyrannical order

The most fundamental stories of the West are to be found, for better or worse, in the biblical corpus.

it can be assumed from analysis of our own behavior that we know the difference between the pathway of good and the pathway of evil, and that we believe above all (despite our conscious resistance and prideful argument) in the existence of both.

But there is yet more: the insistence of God on the goodness of creation reflected the fact that Truth, Courage, and Love were united in His creative action. Thus, there is an ethical claim deeply embedded in the Genesis account of creation: everything that emerges from the realm of possibility in the act of creation (arguably, either divine or human) is good insofar as the motive for its creation is good. I do not believe there is a more daring argument in all of philosophy or in theology than this: To believe this, to act it out, is the fundamental act of faith.

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? (Luke 11:9–13)

This means being willing to let go of anything and everything that is not in keeping with the desire. Otherwise there is no Asking.

You know that when something does not go well, you should analyze the problem, resolve it, apologize, repent, and transform. An unsolved problem seldom sits there, in stasis. It grows new heads, like a hydra.

And, while that is happening, you get weaker. You are less than you could be because you did not change.

It is our destiny to transform chaos into order.

If you are suffering from memories that will not stop tormenting you, there is possibility—possibility that could be your very salvation—waiting there to be discovered. If old memories still upset you, write them down carefully and completely.

Rule X PLAN AND WORK DILIGENTLY TO MAINTAIN THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP The Unbearable Date

For each person is in truth an unfathomable enigma. With care, you might keep rediscovering, in the person you have chosen, enough residual mystery to maintain the spirit that first brought you together.

Bedrock

People and their relationships are too complex to reduce to a single aspect—but it is still reasonable to note that a good marriage is accompanied by mutual desire, mutually requited.

To negotiate, you and the person you are negotiating with must first know what you each need (and want)—and second, be willing to discuss both forthrightly.

If you allow yourself to know what you want, then you will also know precisely when you are failing to get it.

Your failure to specify your desires means your unfortunate lover will have to guess what would please and displease you, and is likely to be punished in some manner for getting it wrong.

The person whom you have made your confidant is now in a position to fulfill your desires, but could equally deprive you of what you want,

It is to defend against such betrayal that naivete is often replaced by cynicism,

Trust in turn trumps cynicism, and true trust is not naivete. Trust between people who are not naive is a form of courage, because betrayal is always a possibility, and because this is consciously understood.

This is a risky business, but the alternative is the impossibility of true intimacy,

But trust has its requirements,

The first of those requirements is truth.

So, the vow that makes a marriage capable of preserving its romantic component is first and foremost the decision not to lie to your partner.

Christ in the Candle

what is the superordinate principle to which both marital partners must bow?

It is not that they are only supposed to think and speak the truth. It is that they are supposed to act it out. And that is the ancient idea that the Word should be made flesh.

There is an inevitable yearning in our natures for the completion that someone else might provide. There is a sense that you are missing something, otherwise, and that only the proper romantic union will provide it.

There is unrealized utility in the marital institution about which we have become cynical—a consequence of our immaturity and naivete. A marriage is a vow, and there is a reason for it.

The part of you that claims to desire freedom (but really wants to avoid any permanent and therefore terrifying responsibility) desires a trapdoor through which escape might be made, if and when it is necessary.

But you do not find so much as make, and if you do not know that you are in real trouble.

because maturation and the development of wisdom require a certain degree of suffering, and suffering is escapable as long as there is an out.

What is going to make you voluntarily deal with your differences and establish a genuine agreement, a true consensus? You are going to have to negotiate in good faith, continually, to come to some sort of peaceful and productive accommodation.

There are three fundamental states of social being: tyranny (you do what I want), slavery (I do what you want), or negotiation.

You want to negotiate. The question is, “What is going to make you desperate enough to negotiate?” And that is one of the mysteries that must be addressed if you wish to keep the romance alive in your relationship.

Negotiation, Tyranny, or Slavery

Negotiation is exceptionally...

determining what you want and then mustering up the courage to tell ...

Persistence under such conditions is a necessity, a terrible necessity, akin to surgery. It is difficult and painful because it takes courage and even some foolhardiness

But doing so is going to be cognitively demanding, ethically challenging, and emotionally stressful.

And avoidance followed by anger is not the only trick in the book. The next serious hurdle is tears.

Tears, however, are just as often anger (perhaps more often) as they are sadness or distress.

they tend to be the last-ditch attempt at avoidance.

Hope, of course, can drive us through the pain of negotiation, but hope is not enough. You need desperation,

You will be tempted by avoidance, anger, and tears, or enticed to employ the trapdoor of divorce so that you will not have to face what must be faced.

You can avoid the commitment of permanence. But then you cannot achieve the transformation, which might well demand everything you can possibly muster.

But what exactly does it mean, when you invite someone to live with you, instead of committing yourself to each other?

Here is what it means: “You will do, for now, and I presume you feel the same way about me. Otherwise we would just get married. But in the name of a common sense that neither of us possesses we are going to reserve the right to swap each other out for a better option at any point.” And if you do not think that is what living together means—as a fully articulated ethical statement—see if you can formulate something more plausible.