The Secrets of Us

by Lucinda Berry

Most people are uncomfortable when presented with silence and automatically start talking just to fill up the space, but not me. I can sit in silence for days if I need to.

I’ve never understood people who aren’t friends with their siblings as adults. How do you survive childhood together and not grow an intimacy unlike any other?

How is that possible? Nichole has walked three miles every morning for the last ten years. She even does it on vacation and when she’s sick, and her backyard is her personal sanctuary. And then it hits me like a sucker punch to the gut. What if Aiden or someone else was keeping her trapped inside? What if the fire was the only way for her to get out?

“Things kept getting weirder and weirder. She wasn’t herself. She was paranoid. Wouldn’t let me near her. She’d say things like, ‘Get away from me,’ and I never knew if she was talking to me or somebody else. Every noise made her jump. I kept asking her what was wrong, begging her to tell me, but she’d scream at me to get away from her, not to touch her.”

“She’s a shell of a person when she isn’t psychotic. She never smiles or frowns. Doesn’t give any sign of wanting anything. It’s like she disappears in and out of herself all day long.”

All the light’s been turned off in my world. I’m falling into a bottomless pit, swirling into soundless oblivion.

“Nichole is suffering from Capgras syndrome.” He says it like it’s two words—cap grass. “It’s a delusional misidentification syndrome where the patient believes a loved one or familiar person has been taken over by an imposter.

“Usually, a person with Capgras syndrome develops it as a defense mechanism to protect themselves or someone they love against information that might hurt them or their relationship in some way. You have to get to the root of what they’re defending against in order to resolve it.”

Dr. McGowan has said again and again that there’s always a part of psychosis that’s grounded in truth, and all I can think about as I stare at the locks on my door is that Nichole called Aiden a murderer. Maybe she’s been right all along. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s tried to make a murderer pay for their sins.

They always say the truth will set you free, but maybe it has to destroy you first.