ADHD & Us: A Couple's Guide to Loving and Living With Adult ADHD

by Anita Robertson

neglected

doesn’t care about them or desire to continue the relationship.

immersed in the millions of things going on around them, including their smartphone,

the uninformed partner without ADHD interprets this action as lack of care. They

turn a small situation into a crisis.

big cost to their self-esteem, mental health, and ultimately to their relationship

non-ADHD partner normally adopts the following two strategies, which don’t work long term: •Avoids saying anything that could potentially hurt their partner’s feelings. •Tries to fix the issue by offering solutions that don’t work for an ADHD brain.

Without knowing how to communicate in a healthy and productive way, intense negative emotions can lead to ugly verbal attacks between loved ones.

a roller-coaster

hide their intense negative feelings from others, like friends

begins living together, it may be harder to hide the intense negative emotions that lead to outbursts, yelli...

guilty about their behavior once they’ve calmed down and may be able to apologize

(big romantic gestures)

(angry verbal attacks).

will try to keep their challenging or negative feelings about the relationship to themselves.

emotional outburst that seems, to the other partner, to come from nowhere.

non-ADHD partner feeling helpless and confused.

struggle with how to provide feedback to avoid blow-out fights or intense responses.

neurotypical partner may try to offer solutions or encourage their partner to see the bright side of things.

defeated and exhausted by the negative cycle

helpless and confused. He loved Michael but didn’t understand what set him off. He felt wounded by Michael’s words whenever he tore into him. Luke tried to avoid the behaviors he thought were the problem, but Michael’s intense emotional outbursts continued.

linear, concrete thinker and couldn’t understand how answering the phone wasn’t the issue, despite Michael’s explanations. Privately, he thought it was just easier to not answer the phone to avoid a conflict because he couldn’t understand how to determine when it would or wouldn’t be okay.

a person with ADHD may recognize their angry outbursts are hurting their partner and want to stop the emotional roller coaster, but they are unable

I am called names or hear hurtful things about my character, or if I am being spoken to in a way that feels disrespectful to me or goes against our relationship goals, I will not engage in further conversation. I will leave the room/space by telling you that I love you and reminding you that I will listen when we are both in a good space to talk. I will do this to protect our relationship.

also interpret their partner’s refusal to seek treatment as a sign that they don’t care about the relationship or their partner’s well-being.

“I want you to know that I love you as you are, and I don’t want to change you.” (Positive Acceptance) “I am sharing this idea out of a place of love, care, and desire to improve our relationship, as we committed to in our relationship goals.” (Growth Mindset) “I am concerned that some of our issues keep coming up because we do not have the right skills. It would be very meaningful for me if we go to therapy as a couple, and individually, so that we can learn how to support each other. I understand that therapy is something you don’t want to do, but going with me shows me how much you care about me and value my opinion, even if it is different from your own.” (Praise and Acknowledgment) “You don’t need to answer right away. I know this is a big ask.” (Acknowledgment)