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December 30, 2020 - January 1, 2021
“He might fight it. If he really doesn’t know how to trust people, you might have to teach him. And if he thinks it’s not okay to be happy, then you show him how to smile. Because I saw him look at you, and he was smiling, Larissa. It’s hard not to smile when you’re around.”
“It’s never too late. But you need a plan.” I rest my head on the back of the chair. “But do I? Mom, I’m not sure it matters. His mind is made up.” “Is it? Or are you just scared to try?”
“I’m going to shut my phone off for a while.” I tell her. “I just … I need to think and not look at it every three minutes to see if he’s called. Because he won’t. I know it.”
I’m aggravated with her for totally different reasons.....
“This is it,” I tell myself as I enter the hallway. “This is the start of the rest of your life. It could’ve gone one direction, but you chose this. Now you get to live with it.”
Is this what it feels like to actually want to be with someone? Why would anyone want to feel this way? It’s bullshit.
“Meaning you haven’t fixed things with Larissa.” I look at her out of the corner of my eye. “I assume you know her too.” “I might.” “Now who is the rascal?” She looks proud of herself. She makes a face and reaches up, fluffing her hair.
“If women lived by your motto, we’d never give birth. Humanity would be wiped out. But we don’t. Do you want to know why?” she asks. “Because you like to have sex?” “Because, smart-ass, we know that you have to go through some pain to enjoy the pleasure.” My lips twitch. “Grandma Judy, I’m letting that one sit right there. I’m not going to touch it.” “You won’t when you imagine a watermelon coming out of it,” she says smugly.
“It’s the same with having kids. You have to endure the worst pain of your life before you have them. It’s like … sometimes you can’t have the best things if you don’t prove you want it. Why would God bless you if you just walk around with your hand out like a spoiled child?”
“Every day, I think about him. I miss him so much that I think I’ll lose my mind someday over it. I work at this age because, if I don’t stay busy, I sit at home and cry.” “Judy,” I say, my heart breaking. “But I wouldn’t trade it. Not a single day of it. I’d live for another hundred years and miss him like this if I had to give up the years we had together.” She smiles sadly at me. “We weren’t put on this earth to be alone, sweet boy.”
“Look, you’re going to be miserable either way,” she says, speaking frankly. “And I guarantee you that Larissa is as distraught as you are. So be miserable together. It’s better than being miserable alone. And if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t the door for you.” She leans toward me and whispers. “But I’m pretty sure it is.”
“I love you too.” “Well, I love food, and I’m starving,” Boone says. “Can we grab some food and continue this little love fest elsewhere?”
“But I’ll love you with everything I have,” I tell her. “And I’ll never leave you alone to try to figure things out by yourself. You have me.” “And you have me. And if you decide you don’t want me, I’ll come and show you that I’m not going anywhere. I choose you, baby.” I grin. “I choose you, too. Every time, beautiful girl. Eevery time. No matter what.”
I think he’s going to offer me a job this summer working with the receivers. Crew: Why? You can’t catch.
