Lonely Castle in the Mirror

by Mizuki Tsujimura

So I am no longer alone. I’ve been hoping something like this will happen for such a long time. Though I know it never will.

The loneliness that comes with social interaction, yet underneath lies that expectation of someone, anyone to talk to you.

reminding her of the world of laughter and hope that lay just outside her window.

Spending so much time alone in her bedroom – gloomy during the day despite the orange curtains – feelings of guilt welled up in her. She felt she was being blamed for being slack and lazy.

Rules like: you should open your curtains in the morning.

That wasn’t the reason why she had trouble fitting in.

Loner, loner – the word whirled around in her head as she left the school building. She intentionally avoided the other kids’ eyes. If that gang was going to be there, it was enough reason for her to lose all desire to check out any clubs.

Why did they pick on me like that? she wondered. They gave her the silent treatment. They whispered about her behind her back. They told other girls not to have anything to do with her. They laughed. Laughed and laughed. Laughing at her, Kokoro.

Kokoro stood there, frozen, dazed, totally crushed. She had nowhere left to go where she could feel at peace.

They want me to be how I was before I became the girl who won’t go to school.

And what was so wrong with liking the rain? School wasn’t a place where you could speak honestly.

If somebody manipulated your thoughts and feelings, would you still be the same person as before?

He was one of those boys in love with the idea of love – love for love’s sake.

What made her happiest, and most relieved, was if they all left her alone.

Some people would never understand each other. In their world, Kokoro was the one at fault. The stronger ones could boldly attack her because they felt nothing they did was questionable.

She understood the fear. Not knowing what the future would be for her, not knowing how long she’d be like this. Seeing people who were moving on was enough to make her feel an excruciating pain in her chest.

‘Instead of investing everything in one talent, this is a slow and steady way to grow, the most certain way.’ She hoped it didn’t sound false. ‘Someone told me if I do it, it will never turn out to be a waste.’

She was able to go confidently to school because she’d understood that this school wasn’t the only place she belonged.