This Close To Okay

by Leesa Cross-Smith

Instead of being out in the cold rain, she imagined they were in her cozy office with the calming lapis walls, the white-noise machine, her chair—a basil green. The shiny, honey-smooth hardwood floors; the soothing, soft almond suede couch. She had a scented-oil diffuser on a table by the window—lavender and a hint of lemon; she’d mixed it herself. There were potted spider and dracaena plants, bamboo palms, a Monstera, succulents in the sunlight—natural air purifiers. The bookshelves were packed neat and tight, with an amber salt lamp atop the one closest to the door. She pictured her office perfectly, transported herself there in her mind, willed that calm into her voice. Her receptionist’s fingers gently clicked the computer keyboard, the rocky fountain bubbled in the waiting room.

From very early on in THIS CLOSE TO OKAY, I have Tallie lean on comfort and coziness so she has somewhere safe to land when she is encountering something scary, something she can't control. Coziness is a big deal in this book...from Tallie imagining how comforting her office is, to inviting Emmett for a cup of coffee while it rains against the windows, to her own home where she makes coziness and all things "hygge" an important part of her life. The way Tallie feels about creating comfortable, cozy spots in a wild, dizzying world is exactly how I feel! I call myself a "cozy advocate" in a lot of my bios because it's true! If I can make something cozy, I do just that! No, I cannot control the world, but yes, I can control how many soft, warm things I have nearby or how many cups of tea I make. I can also (for the most part) control what I'm thinking and choose to focus on lovely things and choose not to dwell on the dark(est) things of this world...any more than I have to.

Shattered energy seemed to pulse from him like sonar. Tight blips of loneliness. Tallie translated the echolocation easily. She was lonesome and blipping, too.

I really like these sentences together! :) I reworked them several times...I reworked the first section of this book so many times I lost count. I wanted it to be as perfect as possible and I wanted the strong emotional connection that Tallie and Emmett have immediately to be recognized immediately by the reader. Here we have something they are both *feeling* about each other...although they do not vocalize it...yet.

She was only a bit surprised no one else stopped, no one else pulled to the side and said hey. Everyone always thought everyone else would take care of things.

This says so much about how Tallie feels about the world sometimes...and how she feels about her place in the world. Throughout the book she expresses her need to take time for herself...to be more than just someone who holds things inside...to be more than someone who listens and "fixes" things...instead of letting herself be listened to...or expressing her own desire to be "fixed." So from the very beginning the reader knows that Tallie sees herself as a person who will always stop her car to help someone else...even if no one else does.

She knew making suicide harder for people who were considering it was sometimes the difference between life and death. She’d read about the suicide rate plummeting in Great Britain after something as simple as swapping the coal gas stoves for natural gas, because too often, suicide came down to a matter of convenience.

I read and researched a lot about this and it was truly so fascinating for me to see. I gave Tallie that same knowledge and she really takes it to heart over the course of the weekend...feeling like distracting Emmett with anything other than his pain or his reasons for wanting to end his life = good things. She knows this is true from her training as a therapist and it's a base level idea for her. Her plan is simply to keep eyes on him...to keep him talking...to spend time with him and listen to him...hoping and praying that those things can make a difference.

(A green cruet of olive oil, a tall brown, pepper grinder, a white ceramic saltcellar labeled SEL in raised capital letters. Dark and light wooden spoons in a fat mason jar. A viney plant hanging from a hook in the ceiling. There is a small dent in the floor, front of the sink—a tiny divot a hallux can dip into.)

These little observations Emmett makes were not in the original (or second or third!) draft of my book...I added them later and then I added more. I wanted them to feel mysterious to the reader for a bit...until they become more familiar with him/them...and @ the end when it's revealed why he does this...what lead him to start organizing his thoughts this way...it all make sense!

“It’s a gift I have. People with violent energy give off this kind of dark green smoke. It tastes bitter. I can tell. And your jacket, your backpack…they’re dark green, but they don’t match your energy. Your energy is like…a lilac puff,” she said, standing like a flamingo, leaning against the counter in her kitchen.

I felt like a "lilac puff" was just the sweetest, most harmless thing Tallie would be able to think of in this moment. And lilac/lavender is my favorite color. And the word puff is just so cute. I love this exchange.

Nico. They’d dated off and on in college for years. Back then, they’d floated away from each other instead of snapping apart, and in the past, she’d always had excellent, efficient sex with Nico. As excellent and efficient as a Target run—everything she needed in the right place, and occasionally there was an extra treat on clearance, making the whole trip more than worth it. But the post-divorce sex with Nico? Absolute rockets.

I wanted to add a lot of Nico info early on so he wouldn't be such a surprise to the reader. He's very important to Tallie and there's Real Love there...well-established love. I really love Nico. He was a very real, fully-rounded character to me from the beginning of writing this novel, even though he's more of a minor character. I love when that happens!

“Tell me when to stop,” she said. She flicked through the stations one by one, and he didn’t make a peep until she landed on Sam Cooke singing “Bring It On Home to Me.”

"Bring It On Home to Me" by Sam Cooke is a perfect song. There is a playlist of songs with THIS CLOSE TO OKAY vibes and songs I mention specifically in the book, etc, available here on Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0HRlC5BVI9RgTYtpnicfGz?si=e20386bbd84d496c) or if you search for it/me! I make playlists for all of my books and they're all available on there and via my website, LeesaCrossSmith.com.

if you didn’t want the bad shit in life to win every time, you had to keep your eye out for a bright thing.

This is a running thread through all of my books! My first novel WHISKEY & RIBBONS and my second short story collection SO WE CAN GLOW. It's a running thread through my life, really...because life can just be so awful and unfair and sad sometimes. For some people more than others...and I truly believe that we, as humans, have to make an effort to look for light...even when it's the darkest. This quote is something that Emmett's dad said to him often as part of his "routine Dad Speeches" and it's something Emmett thinks of often. It's also something that Tallie agrees with in her heart...although she doesn't know Emmett heard this so much growing up. It's something they both believe, even though Emmett is going through so much right now...even though Tallie is having a dark time of her own...there is something potentially bright whirring there that is keeping them both hoping for a spark...hoping for the smallest crack to let the light leak in. And I like the focus here being on "YOU had to keep your eye out for a bright thing"...because sometimes those things can fall to us as individuals...our ability to fight for the light when possible...even when it's hard...because life and love are worth it.

“It’s hygge. You’ve heard of it? The Danish word? It’s about making things cozy, comforting. It’s like an American fad now, but sort of a way of life for some people. Making things as comfy as possible…it’s what I do—” Tallie stopped and changed the expression on her face, like an engine slowing, then revving back up.

There are several references to "hygge" in here because I LOVE COZINESS! If you love coziness too and haven't Googled hygge, please do! But be prepared to want to add more comfy, cozy, fuzzy socks and blankets and candles and teapots, etc, to your shopping list! I'm a very big believer in hygge and comfort. It's a major part of my personality, honestly! The life of a cozy advocate!! And I love reading/writing cozy books! Do you have any favorite cozy authors/books? One of my go-to cozy authors = Jane Austen. All of her books/movie adaptations. A lot of classics are insta-coze for me like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. I'd love to hear yours! One book on cozy! Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies. I loved that one.

Even people without a history of mental illness had to go to great lengths to protect their mental health.

Mental health is health and health is important for all living creatures. It's very simple, very true. In this book there are people dealing with their own mental health issues and a woman who works as a therapist and people who love people with mental illnesses and I really wanted to approach mental illness and mental health from all sides since most people have experience with at least one side of it. And we're all affected by it in one way or another...either on a personal level, just from the stories we read and see, or all of the above. My prayer and wish and hope is for everyone to have that safe space to share their struggles and a safe space to rest when the world is too much.

Slow and intoxicating: “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House soared from the speakers as she walked toward him.

I love this song so much. It's one of my faves and there was no other song that was going to be playing @ this moment. Only this one!

He found her in her bed—tender as a kitten, still and pale and breathless.

This is another line that wasn't in my original draft, but added later. It hurt me to write it and it (still) hurts me to read it. But I've found that it doesn't work for me if I attempt to write around the hardest things/moments like this. So I wrote it. I love her! I love him! I love them!

Inside the hospital, Tallie had found Joel sitting in the hallway with River on his lap like some sort of bizarro-world Madonna and Child. She put her hand on River’s head when she got to them. Joel bounced his knee, causing River to giggle with glee. The mirth echoed down the hospital hallway.

A lot of readers tell me they end up loving Joel a bit and I love that, I do. Because so do I! He's such a real person to me, flaws and all. And I wrote this moment specifically to that. What he did to Tallie was terrible, but they both go on...life goes on. And Tallie's nephew still loves Joel and Joel still loves him and there's a tenderness there, seeing them together...even if Tallie's not in the mood for it! It's still there.

After love, forgiveness is the strongest glue holding every family together.

This was one of the easiest sentences for me to write in the book! It's just my heart's truth.

(See. There is soft light. There are small mercies.)

The ending that a lot of readers wanted...literally never occurred to me! It never crossed my mind to have Tallie and Rye end up together romantically. But! That being said, Tallie and Rye really are soulmates...and friends forever-ever because of this weekend. Their hearts are tied together in such a huge, special way. They saved each other and love each other so much. Truly and true.