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just because things could be worse didn’t mean they didn’t suck.
my brother, whose ego was so large it could house the entire East Coast of the United States with room left over for Texas.
This was a dream. It had to be. Because the chances of Alex inviting me inside his house in real life were lower than me solving a quadratic equation in my head.
quadratic equation
I have hyperthymesia, or HSAM. Highly superior autobiographical memory. Look it up.”
I hadn’t thought collarbones could be sexy, but here we were.
“Are there awful people in the world? Yes. Do awful things happen? Yes. But wonderful people exist and wonderful things happen too, and if you focus too much on the negative, you miss all the positive.”
You think you know someone until something happens that proves you never really knew them at all.
Most people thought the biggest sacrifice they could make was to die for something. They were wrong. The biggest sacrifice you could make was to live for something—to allow it to consume you and turn you into a version of yourself you didn’t recognize. Death was oblivion; life was reality, the harshest truth that had ever existed.
“You want it so much you’d say yes to anything. Believe in anyone. One more favor, one more kind gesture…and maybe, just maybe, they’ll give you the love you want so desperately you’d whore yourself out for it.”
She was mine. She just didn’t know it yet. I hadn’t known it myself until I saw her in Colton’s arms and every instinct raged at me to tear her away. To claim what belonged to me.
You want the world to think you have no heart when in reality, you have a multilayered one: a heart of gold encased in a heart of ice.
“If you let lesser people determine your self-worth, you’ll never reach higher than their limited imagination.”
“You don’t have to work overtime to get people to love you, Ava. Love isn’t earned. It’s given.”
Grotesque,
Comically ugly or distorted
“Is she really worth it?” Madeline called after me. I didn’t bother answering her. Yes.
I didn’t respond, because how was I supposed to tell the man determined to save me that I didn’t want to be saved?
“Alex, the piece costs $40,000.” “Really? Shit.” “I’m sure we can—” “I thought it was expensive.”
He wasn’t the man I thought he was. He was so much better, even when he tried to convince me he was worse, and I wanted him like nothing before. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I wanted every shadow of his soul and every piece of his beautiful, multilayered heart. I wanted to pour into him every drop of light I had to give until he consumed me whole. Until I was his and he was mine.
depraved
Corrupt
“You’re right, sweetheart,” I said, dropping my forehead to hers with a resigned sigh. So. Fucked. “But the rules don’t apply to you.”
“What did I tell you? You’re mine, Sunshine. You’re never touching another man unless you want him six feet in the ground. So yes, we’re fucking exclusive.”
I whipped around, my heart jumping in my throat when I saw Alex standing behind me. In his navy cashmere sweater and jeans, he cut a sophisticated figure among the crowds of drunk college students and rumpled professors. I couldn’t help it—I ran and threw my arms around him. “I thought you had work!”
want someday
He came off invincible and unflappable, but everybody, no matter how strong, needs a little care and attention of their own.
“I’d do it for you.” I kissed the spot where her tear had been. “I’d do anything for you. No matter how twisted or impossible.”
I’d labored over how to bring up the topic and how I’d react to his response, whatever it may be. Oh hey, Dad, nice to see you. By the way, did you try to murder me? Yes? Oh damn, okay.
he may not show it to the world, but he does have a heart. A beautiful one.”
“I’m not an easy person to love.” “Good thing I never cared much about taking the easy road.” I sat up straight and looked him straight in the eyes. “You are cold and infuriating and, I admit, a little scary. But you are also patient and supportive and brilliant. You inspire me to chase my dreams and drive away my nightmares. You are everything I didn’t know I needed, and you make me feel safer than anyone else on the planet.” I took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say—again—is, I love you, Alex Volkov. Every part of you, even the parts I want to slap.”
“You are the light to my dark, Sunshine,” he said in a raw voice. His lips brushed against mine as he spoke. “Without you, I’m lost.”
You have a multilayered heart, Alex. A heart of gold encased in a heart of ice.
the library, my uncle’s favorite room in the house. The soaring, two-story room looked like something out of an English manor, with its Tiffany stained glass lamps and wall of mahogany shelves groaning beneath the weight of leather-bound tomes.
want
“It’s a simple equation, Sunshine. If you’re in New York, I’m in New York.”
She shook her head, her chest heaving. She’d stopped crying, but her eyes burned with anger and betrayal. That’s my girl. Hate me. Don’t cry over me. Never cry over me. I’m not worth it.
this is so sad
What about me made me so damn unlovable? So gullible?
Ava would never be safe as long as she was with me, so I let her go.
I didn’t think I had a heart before I met her, but she proved I did—it lay in pieces at her feet.
I couldn’t change what happened to me or control what other people did, but I could control what I did. I could shape the future I wanted to have.
“I mean it, Alex. Don’t give me that I’m-an-asshole-who-doesn’t-need-anyone shit either.
HAHA
“Because I love her!” I slammed my hands on the table. “There, happy? I love her so much I would rather give her up than hurt her. But if you think I’m letting her go to another country alone, with no protection, you’ve got another think coming. Now give me her fucking flight info.”
I’d never known anything else, but you showed me there is beauty in the world. I see it every time I look at you or see you smile or hear you laugh. You believe the best of people, and that’s a strength, not a weakness. Don’t let anyone, least of all me, take that away from you.”
“You told me once there was something beautiful waiting for me, something that would restore my faith in life. I’ve found it. It’s you.”
“Leave me alone.” Alex’s chest heaved like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. “I can’t do that, sweetheart. I’ll wait however long it takes, but I’ll never be okay with a world in which you’re alone.”
“Why?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “You can have any woman you want. Why are you still here?” “Because none of them are you.
And maybe I still don’t deserve you, but I’m willing to work at it until I do.”
“I never claimed to be Prince Charming, and my love isn’t a fairy-tale type of love. I’m a fucked-up person with fucked-up morals. I won’t write you poems or serenade you beneath the moonlight. But you are the only woman I have eyes for. Your enemies are my enemies, your friends are my friends, and if you wanted, I would burn down the world for you.”
Sweetheart, please. Tell me what I have to do. I’ll do anything.” “I don’t know if there’s anything you can do,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.” “Then I’ll just have to try everything until we find something,” he said,
I worked because I wanted to. But now, I want to do something else.” I swallowed, my pulse thundering. “What’s that?” “Win you back. No matter how long it takes.”
“Then someone came into my life and upended everything I thought I knew. She was everything I wasn’t—purehearted, trusting, optimistic. She showed me the beauty that existed in this world, and through her, I learned the power of faith. Joy. Love. But I’m afraid I’ve tainted her with my untruths, and I’m hoping, with all my heart, that one day she’ll find her way out of the darkness and into the light again.”
I love
I was grateful for all the people who wanted to connect and congratulate me, but dammit, Alex was the only person I wanted to talk to.
“You’re the guy who performed tonight and is always waiting for Ava outside WYP.” Jack narrowed his eyes. “Who are you again?” “Someone who will rip your entrails out and strangle you with them if you don’t take your hands off her,” Alex said in a deceptively calm voice.
Hehe
“I’m not the best at expressing my emotions. That’s why I’ve never liked singing. It’s all emotion, and it feels too vulnerable. I can’t stand it. But I said I’m willing to do whatever it takes to win you back, and I meant it, just as I meant every word in that song. That song was for you. But I’m running out of ideas, sweetheart.”
