I Want to Be Where the Normal People Are

by Rachel Bloom

Having a baby inside me just does not compute with pleasure. They are two different and disparate things. Yet, I don’t feel this cognitive dissonance regarding sex during pregnancy. Sex, after all, is what makes babies in the first place. It’s natural and beautiful and, during pregnancy, it’s the only time in my life I’ve ever been able to stomach the label “making love.”* But I don’t extend the same sentimentality to when I’m gettin’ down to a Pornhub video called “Schoolgirl slut sucks cock to get an A.” I know that all the books say that the womb’s rhythmic contractions don’t traumatize the fetus and actually “lull them to sleep.” But I dunno, what if this creates a bad habit? What if, for the rest of her life, my future daughter can only be soothed to sleep by the sound of someone gagging on a dick screaming, “Oh baby yes yes yes I now love science claaaaaaaass!”