Inside Man

by K.J. Parker

It says in the code of conduct: Having effected a legitimate entry, an officer shall not desert his post unless relieved by a colleague, ordered to evacuate by a superior, or expelled by a duly authorized agent of the opposition. Desertion is a very serious matter, a court-martial offense, and if you’re found guilty, the punishment is absolutely nothing at all, because what can they possibly do to someone like me? Break my sword and snip my buttons off? They already did that. Demote me and put me on light duties? Yes, please. Accordingly, I back away toward the mouth of the eustachian tube, my preferred choice for a speedy getaway. He’s quicker than me, and much stronger. He reaches out and grabs me. It’s absolutely true that we can’t be killed or even damaged, since we’re immutable and not susceptible to any sort of change, while unending ages run. But we can feel pain. Boy, can we feel pain. He gets his fingers round my head, his thumbs in my ears, and squeezes. I feel pain. Lots of it. When he’s finished doing that, he lets go. “You’re one of them,” he says. I stare at him. I’d assumed he was one of us. His appearance—but you can’t judge by appearances, not when you’re dealing with insubstantial beings. He sounds and acts like one of us. But apparently he isn’t. “Who are you?” I somehow manage to ask. “Me? I live here.” Oh boy.