Acts of Desperation

by Megan Nolan

I felt sorry for him that I hated him so much.

was happy, as I always am in the sea, the only place I have ever found where my body feels natural and mine and being used according to its intent. I am weightless but not insubstantial. I am always sure of what my body should be doing there. I feel seal-like, the fat I normally hate becomes sleek and normal in water, my inelegant body can be strong there.

I thought how full my life and my head had been for ever with these things, with the desperation to be loved by a man, with the idea that a man’s adoration or need to fuck me would make all the bad parts of myself be quiet for ever. I’d thought that a man’s love would make me so full up I’d never need to drink or eat or cut or do anything at all to my body ever again. I’d thought they’d take it over for me.