The Mixtape

by Brittainy C. Cherry

I wanted to know what made a person tick. I wanted to not only see them in the sunlight, but I wanted to see their rain clouds too.

“Then there is no way we are poor. We have clothes on our backs, a roof over our head, a car to drive, and each other’s love. No one can be poor if they have love.” I said it, and I meant it too. When Reese came into my life, I learned that true wealth was wrapped in her love.

“You do good for the sake of good doing, Emery. That’s how the world keeps on keeping on—because there are good people doing good things for the simple sake of doing them.”

I’d learned quickly that motherhood meant saying no to yourself so you could later say yes to your child.

thisssssss

That was comforting in more ways than I ever could’ve described—just the idea of knowing that sadness wasn’t only felt by me. Or that my happiness wasn’t mine alone. There was a beautiful stranger somewhere across the world, listening to the same song as me, feeling both happy and sad all at once.

“Belonging comes in different forms, I think. It can come from a place, a person, an object, an occupation.” “What makes you belong?” “My daughter,” she said without hesitation.

I kept my sadness and emotional breakdowns to myself, in private, where no one could try to give me comfort. I didn’t want people’s pity; I just wanted to be strong enough to keep myself from falling apart.

When it rains, it pours, but the rain always stops, and the sun comes out again.

The hardest truth to learn in life was that not everyone loved the same way you did.

“Emery, wait.” “Yes?” “Earlier you said something that hasn’t sat well with me.” “Oh?” “You said you were just the chef.” A softness flooded Oliver’s eyes. “You’re so much more than just the chef.”

If humans knew how damaging words could be to someone’s mental health and stability, then maybe they would’ve chosen them differently.

I was so close to falling apart, but I didn’t want to do that in front of her. I didn’t want to turn into any more of a pathetic fool in front of the first woman who’d made my heart feel things that I hadn’t known hearts could feel.

She sat close to me. As time went by, it felt as if she was growing closer. We watched a few movies. Well, she watched them, and I watched her. Every time she’d laugh, it felt like a burst of sunlight. I didn’t know when she fell against me. I didn’t know how long we stayed pieced together. I didn’t know how long my arms lay against hers and how long hers were wrapped around me, but I did know that I liked it. I liked the feeling of her smooth skin. I liked the honeysuckle smell of her hair. I liked the way she held on as if she had no plans to let go. I liked the way that she stayed.

Healing doesn’t walk a linear line; it takes the messy route. I believe that healing comes during both the dark days and the bright ones. It’s not all rainbows. Sometimes healing means slicing open the scars that made you hurt so much before and examining them to fully understand yourself.

He was a beautiful man with a beautifully scarred soul, and the best part about it was that he didn’t even know how beautiful he was. The broken pieces of his story were exactly what made him shine.

Someone like . . .” You . . . “Someone like that. Someone who makes me feel like home.” “I see.” His brows lowered. “Someone who makes you feel safe.” “Exactly. Who makes me feel like I belong.” “You do that to me,” he confessed. “Make me feel like I belong. No one has done that since my brother.” His brother. He’d finally brought up Alex around me.

I held her tighter as she laid her head on my shoulder. I could tell she was getting tired, which wasn’t shocking after the active day she’d had with her new friends. Her eyes were somewhat open as she tried to watch the fireworks overhead. She yawned with her mouth wide open before snuggling against me. “Mr. Mith?” she whispered. “Yeah, kid?” “The music I heard you playing with your dad didn’t sound like garbage.” Within seconds, she was asleep in my arms, not knowing how much those words touched me. That little girl was adorable in every way possible. From her dark hair to her bright smile. I swore she had Emery’s eyes too. And her button nose, and her heart. I had no doubt that Reese had her mother’s heartbeats.

She closed her eyes as she listened to the song, and the tears kept streaming down her cheeks as she felt it. I saw it happening—she wasn’t just listening to the words; she was feeling them. They were being imprinted on her soul, the same way she was being imprinted on mine.

He slid his hands into his pockets and gave me a slight frown. “Are you okay?” I should’ve lied, but that wasn’t something we seemed to do with one another. “No.” “Can I hold you again?” I sighed and whispered, “Please.” His large arms wrapped around my frame, and I relaxed against him, breathing him in. We stayed there for a few minutes. Maybe five. Maybe ten. Long enough for me to gather myself. Long enough for me to fall into loving the idea of being in Oliver’s arms.

I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, and pulled out the other half of the necklace that was paired to mine. Alex’s heartbeats. I’d been carrying them around with me for the past seven months, holding them close to me, wishing that the necklace was still sitting around his neck. Wishing that he was there to do the interview with me. “Stay close, brother,” I whispered, closing my eyes and holding the piece of jewelry next to my half.

Funny how when you took your depression and created art, it could help someone else who was struggling with their own demons.

The song played on repeat, over and over again, as my thoughts began to slow. She tilted her head to look at me, I tilted my head to look at her, and I swore somehow I felt her heartbeats. “Thank you, Emery.” “For what?” “Existing.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how to start this, so I’m just going to say it. I like you, Emery. I like you so fucking much. I like the way you care for others. I like the way you don’t judge. I like how when you’re happy with the meals you cook, you do a little jig. I like how you listen. I like how you love your daughter. I like how you stay around when I’m at my lows. I like how you laugh. How you smile. How you exist. I. Like. You.” Her eyes were wide and filled with wonderment as she walked over to stand in front of me. She looked down at her hands before locking her stare with mine. “You like me?” “I like you,” I swore.

“Good,” she breathed out as she linked our fingers together and held my hands against her chest. “Because I like you too. I like how you interact with Reese. I like how you love your parents. I like how you look after Kelly. I like how you didn’t give up on your music. I like when you’re deep in thought and your forehead wrinkles. I like how you burn bacon. I like how your smile feels like a secret prize that you share with so few. I like how you smile toward me. I like your laugh. Your good days. Your bad ones too. I. Like. You.”

“No, it is. It’s amazing. You’re amazing,” he said, and the butterflies flipped upside down in my stomach. “This is only the beginning for you. I cannot wait to be sitting inside your restaurant someday.” “Me too!” Reese turned to me and placed her hands on my cheeks very tightly, smooshing my face together. “Mama. You are somebody, and you will do great things.” I gave her a peck on the forehead and then snuggled her nose against mine. “Love you.” “Love you more.”

“I can’t erase your fear, Emery, but I need you to know that you did this to me,” he said, taking my hands into his and laying them against his chest. “You found me when my heartbeats were hardly there, and you stamped them. You stamped my heart, and that’s why it’s still beating.” The way my body filled with love was almost overpowering. “Oliver . . .” “Ask me to be yours, and I’ll be yours. If you let me stay, I’ll stay forever.”

“Take all the time you two need. I’ll be here with Reese when you’re ready to come home.” Home. He said it as if his home was mine. That made me smile more than I knew possible.

I looked around and shouted, “Hey, whose kid is this? Somebody’d better tell me whose little shit this is!” I hollered. “That’s a quarter for the swear jar,” Reese whispered. I’d gladly put the coin in the jar for this situation.

I went to make sure she was buckled in safely, and she leaned in toward me, placed her hands on my cheeks, and said, “Mr. Mith?” “Yeah, kid?” “You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my favorite song on my mixtape.”

“You probably have no clue what’s happening right now. You probably feel like you’re falling apart, but in truth, this is you falling together, sweetheart. Sometimes, part of the healing journey involves falling apart. That doesn’t make you weak; it makes you strong. So, fall apart tonight, and you’ll be stronger for tomorrow. You’re doing great.”

“Yes, I love her,” Oliver cut in, giving Reese his smile that made me feel everything all at once. I turned his way, my eyes widened from shock. He gave me his dopey, tired grin and took my hands into his and squeezed ever so lightly. “I love every part of you, Em.”

“What about me, Mr. Mith? Do you love me, too?” Reese asked. Oliver smirked big and pulled Reese into a hug. “Yeah, kid, I love you too.”

The moment the door was fully opened, we saw Oliver standing there, fussing with his microphone pack in his back pocket. He dropped his hands quickly, and his eyes lit up the moment he saw Reese. She turned into the brightest light when she saw him too. “Mr. Mith!” she hollered, dashing in his direction, and he was there to catch her in his embrace with arms wide open. “Kid!” he exclaimed, spinning her around. She snuggled closer to him and held on tight. “I missed you, Mr. Mith.” “I missed you, too, kid.”

“It is. At least, I hope so. I’m going to be honest: I’m really nervous. I haven’t performed in a long time without my brother, and I’m not sure how it’s going to go.” “Well, can’t he just watch you from heaven?” she said. Her question seemed so matter of fact, and it made everyone in the room tear up. “So don’t worry, he’s still here. Come here.” She pulled on his pants and made him come to eye level with her. She then placed her hands against his shoulders and gave him a stern look. “Mr. Mith, you can do anything because you’re my best friend, and that means you can do anything.”

“Okay, so this is my brother’s guitar. I figured I should play it as a way of having him here onstage with me. But a sweet little girl reminded me that he’s always with me, even if I can’t see him. So, we are going back in time with the first song that Alex and I ever recorded together. If you’re an ancient fan, you know it. If you’re new, here’s a part of me. And I apologize ahead of time if I get lost in myself. I’m trying my best. This is ‘Heart Stamps.’”

Once he’d finished proposing to me, Oliver turned to Reese and got down on one knee in front of her. “I wanted to propose to you, too, kid. Now, I don’t have a ring, but I have this.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a half of a heart necklace. Alex’s heart. “This was my brother’s, and it means the world to me, so I wanted to give it to the little girl who means the world to me too. I wanted you to know that you have half of my heartbeats, and I’d spend forever protecting you if you’ll have me.”

In that moment, I knew the truth about family. There wasn’t one cookie-cutter way to create love bonds. Families came in all shapes, forms, and sizes. Some were tied together by blood, and others by heartbeats. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter how you came together; it only mattered that you stayed together. That you looked out for one another and loved in an unconditional way.