The Darkness Outside Us

by Eliot Schrefer

Because this hurts, and I’m feeling weak, and sarcasm is the refuge of the hurt and the weak.

I’d like Kodiak to make me know that I exist. Kissing him would be a way to do that.

“Movie reel tonight,” I say, “and this mummy won’t take no for an answer.”

Kodiak leans against the doorway, in thin cotton shorts and gauzy top. “I figured it was a pajama night,” he

“I will take some of your finest sans serif water, please. And that manicotti. I have been thinking for weeks about that manicotti. I want to marry that manicotti.”

“I noticed you noticing,” he says, his eyes suddenly back on mine.

“Are you going to keep aiming right into the discomfort zone? Is that your goal tonight?” Kodiak chuckles, clearly pleased with himself. “It’s just a treat to see a pretty boy squirm.”

“Look, you’re pretty much the only game in town, if you’re the sort who’s even remotely into human contact,” I say. “So yes, I’m looking at you. Looking at one another is what humans do. You’re allowed to look at me, too.”

“Ambrose, we are in the middle of space. Ship time is no longer anywhere close to Earth time. At our speed, time itself is warping around us. Are you really worried about getting your beauty sleep, so you can remain gorgeous?”

Kodiak. Who are you?

It grew from the carbon in Earth’s air.

can’t bring myself to work on stupid tasks. Even though my brain is baffled, my gut tells me that home probably doesn’t exist. That even if it does still exist, I will never go back there.

Nothing can be trusted. No, it’s even worse than that: nothing can be known.

Intimacy is the only shield against insanity. Intimacy, not knowledge. Intimacy, not power.

Minerva: As long as I’m alive, someone loves you.

spent my whole life feeling like I was a robot pretending to be a human. It just got confirmed.”

What happens to the pair of spacefarers when the ship is returned to its “low-consumption state”? They are terminated.

“Well,” I say, “what else are a couple of doomed clones in the middle of infinite space going to do with themselves?”

“I don’t know if that’s so bad. I certainly did enjoy lying down last time.”

“I want to die at the same time as you.”

Three, settle into kissing Ambrose as soon as possible. You’ll enjoy it very

much, and you’ll only have time for so many kisses.”

The scent of him has turned acrid now that he’s dead, and I can’t stand to be alongside his body.

Death arrives with a roar. It is a sudden storm.

“In any case, thank you for ‘welcoming’ me.”

“That was Ambrose’s first time welcoming, by the way.”

You love Kodiak. This is the hidden miracle of all this: you might be loving each other deeper than any humans have ever loved, have ever needed to love, have ever had the occasion to love. Well, maybe Adam and Eve did, but you and I both know we don’t think they ever existed.

Kodiak is dead. The tumor Rover extracted was just a hint of how much was growing in his body. The universe has no light in it anymore. I will join him tonight. Hug your Kodiak close to you. I love you.

This hurts

Kodiak will become your second self. But at first, you will see him and think of a man who needs love and is crying out for you to give it.

without predators and

prey, life has no need to move around, to have eyes and teeth. It can be . . . soft.

Beautiful

These same eyes have traveled all of his body, these same hands have held his, have parted that jumpsuit and explored what’s beneath. Will do that, judging by the messages we left. I study the line of his neck, and I wonder. I study his dusky eyelashes, and I wonder. I study the power of his legs, and I wonder. He looks back at me, and I know he is wondering, too.

He’s a stranger, a lover, and my life partner. We have lived and died lifetimes together, and it makes me shiver every

“Welcome to Minerva,” he says.