Gideon the Ninth (The Locked Tomb, #1)

by Tamsyn Muir

Gideon had always known that this would be how she went: gangbanged to death by skeletons.

Gideon said aloud, “Your parents must have been so relieved to die.”

He was narrow shouldered with long, long arms, and she was beginning to believe that he was not simply a douchebag who used lip balm, but a douchebag who used lip balm and had a very long reach.

This fantasy often got her through a hundred reps.

gay

“You’re here about Nonagesimus, aren’t you?”

He had the eyes of a very beautiful person, trapped in resting bitch face.

“This calls for rigor, Nav.” “Maybe rigor … mortis,” said Gideon, who assumed that puns were funny automatically.

So she said, “The arms kind of looked like swords. I want to fight it.” “You want to fight it.” “Yep.” “Because it looked … a little like swords.” “Yop.”

“You are banned from squatting in my lobes and my hippocampus. I don’t want you pushing all the furniture around in there.”

But the teen stuck her awful courage to its sticking place, breathed out hard through her teeth, and blurted very quietly: “Ninth … how big are your biceps?”

“Are your biceps huge,” she said, “or are they just enormous? Ninth, please tick the correct box.”

“But for the love of the Emperor, Griddle,” she said gruffly, “you are something else with that sword.” The blood all drained away from Gideon’s cheeks for some reason.

gay

Gideon had to stare pretty hard at skimpy nighties to get over that one.

She held out the key to Gideon. “Put it in the hole, Griddle.” “That’s what she said,” said Gideon, and she took the ring from Harrow’s gloved fingers.

thats what she said

Gideon was undergoing complicated feelings about not being the centre of the Seventh’s attention.

“Under no circumstances will I ever desire your juice,” said her necromancer, mouth getting more desperate.

thats what she said

When she opened her eyes again there was a dazzling moment of clarity and sharpness. Harrow Nonagesimus was kneeling by her side, naked as the day she was spawned.

i too, would have a lady boner

“Ha-ha,” said Gideon, “first time you didn’t call me Griddle,” and died.

real

“What’s your mum’s name,” said Gideon. “Why are you here?”

a your mom joke goes hard

“Why, Gideon the Ninth!” she exclaimed, mourning banished. “You’re a ginger!”

Gideon said, “Did you know that if you put the first three letters of your last name with the first three letters of your first name, you get ‘Sex Pal’?”

simulacrum

remnant

“Eat me, milk man,” said Gideon, and staggered around the corner.

There was a pregnant pause.

what an odd way to phrase that lol

“Your uncle wanted me,” she said. “So. Here I am.”

oh shit

“Your biceps … they’re eleven out of ten,”

yeah, i wanna see

I—I did not want to hurt you, Griddle! I didn’t want to disturb your—equilibrium.”

“I have tried to dismantle you, Gideon Nav! The Ninth House poisoned you, we trod you underfoot—I took you to this killing field as my slave—you refuse to die, and you pity me! Strike me down. You’ve won. I’ve lived my whole wretched life at your mercy, yours alone, and God knows I deserve to die at your hand. You are my only friend. I am undone without you.”

“Do you really have the hots for some chilly weirdo in a coffin?”

“This won’t work,” she said. “I’ve never had to work with something so small before.” “That’s what she said,” murmured Gideon, sotto voce.

“Hm,” said Camilla neutrally, and Gideon knew immediately that she organised Palamedes’s and her socks by colour and genre.

i love gideon

Gideon, facedown on the dusty ground, moaned: “I want to die.” She was nudged with a foot, not unkindly. “Get up, Griddle.” “Why was I born so attractive?” “Because everyone would have throttled you within the first five minutes otherwise,” said her necromancer.

“We do bones, motherfucker,” she said.

“I need to be inside you,” Harrow bellowed over the din.

me to harrow, me too

“Oh, yeah,” said Gideon. “Sextus gave her turbo cancer.”

Gideon the Ninth charged. Cytherea went straight for her heart, no foreplay, but this was a Gideon who had trained with a double-handed sword since before she could even hold the damn thing.

foreplay

“Gideon the Ninth, first flower of my House,” she said hoarsely, “you are the greatest cavalier we have ever produced. You are our triumph. The best of all of us. It has been my privilege to be your necromancer.”

“Sextus was a marvel,” admitted Harrow. “Too bad you didn’t marry him. You’re both into old dead chicks.” “Gideon—”