Gideon the Ninth (The Locked Tomb, #1)

by Tamsyn Muir

“I hate it when you act like a butt-touched nun,” said Gideon,

Gideon had always known that this would be how she went: gangbanged to death by skeletons.

You couldn’t spell obligation if I shoved the letters up your ass.” “I gotta say, I don’t think that would help,” said Gideon. “God, I’m glad you didn’t teach me my spelling.”

“the only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted someone to hold the sword as you fell on it. The only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted your ass kicked so hard, the Locked Tomb opened and a parade came out to sing, ‘Lo! A destructed ass.’ The only job I’d do would be if you wanted me to spot you while you backflipped off the top tier into Drearburh.”

“That I showed you my girlish and vulnerable heart.” “Your heart is a party for five thousand nails,” said Gideon.

KEJWHABABAKA PLEASE

“Put it in the hole, Griddle.” “That’s what she said,” said Gideon,

UR LYING LMAOO BYE

But Gideon was experiencing one powerful emotion: being sick of everyone’s shit.

you and me both girl

She had always thought—when she bothered to think—

“They had names, you lily-livered, tooth-coloured asshole,”

“I don’t want a bunch of synonyms, you smarmy cloud-looking motherfucker,”

If I were in her position … I would have already thrown myself out the window.” “Stand in front of a window now and I’ll do the hard part,” said Gideon.

“Do you really have the hots for some chilly weirdo in a coffin?” One of the skeletons punted her back into the water.

“I’ve never had to work with something so small before.” “That’s what she said,” murmured Gideon, sotto voce.

“Sextus gave her turbo cancer.”

“You know I don’t give a damn about the Locked Tomb, right? You know I only care about you,”

“I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it.” “Yes you can, it’s just less great and less hot,” said Gideon.

“One flesh, one end,” said Gideon, and it was a murmur now, on the very edge of hearing. Harrow said, “Don’t leave me.”

Harrow said, “But you’re God.” And God said, “And I am not enough.”