Gideon the Ninth (The Locked Tomb, #1)

by Tamsyn Muir

in some far-off way Gideon had always known that this would be how she went: gangbanged to death by skeletons.

There were metal ladders going down into the pit, but why would you though.

she looked at Gideon with an expression like an artillery shell midflight.

she was beginning to believe that he was not simply a douchebag who used lip balm, but a douchebag who used lip balm and had a very long reach.

He had the eyes of a very beautiful person, trapped in resting bitch face.

Then she remembered that the Sixth had a weirdo fascination with medical science and probably found chronic illness as appealing as a pair of tight shorts, and then she thought: Well, hell!

“Slow down, numbnuts,” she hissed, when she thought they were out of earshot of anyone. “Where’s the fire?”

When she spoke again, she made her voice quite calm and normal: “Why?” “Probably because you asked.” The heavy eyelids shuttered open, revealing baleful black irises. “That’s all it takes, Griddle? That’s all you demand? This is the complex mystery that lies in the pit of your psyche?” Gideon slid her glasses back onto her face, obscuring feelings with tint. She found herself saying, “That’s all I ever demanded,” and to maintain face suffixed it with, “you asswipe.”

For a moment Gideon’s anger and remorse were overwhelmed by, Did you legit just say ‘pure humbuggery’?

“Harrow,” said Gideon, “if my heart had a dick you would kick it.”

“This won’t work,” she said. “I’ve never had to work with something so small before.” “That’s what she said,” murmured Gideon, sotto voce.

“Now we kick her ass until candy comes out,”

“Oh, damn, Nonagesimus, don’t cry, we can’t fight her if you’re crying.” Harrow said, with some difficulty: “I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it.” “Yes you can, it’s just less great and less hot,” said Gideon.

“One flesh, one end,” said Gideon, and it was a murmur now, on the very edge of hearing. Harrow said, “Don’t leave me.” “The land that shall receive thee dying, in the same will I die: and there will I be buried. The Lord do so and so to me, and add more also, if aught but death part me and thee,” said Gideon. “See you on the flip side, sugarlips.”