When the Stars Fall (Lost Stars, #1)

by Emery Rose

“I’ll um... wash the hoodie and get it back to you tomorrow.” “Keep it,” he said, holding the front door open for me. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of hot, muggy air. “But it’s your favorite.” “That’s why I want you to keep it.” He came to stand next to me and dropped all three bags onto the sidewalk while we waited for his mom to arrive. “But why?” I asked, not understanding his logic. “Because, Lila... if a guy won’t give you his favorite hoodie, he’s not worth your time.”

For a few long moments, we just stood there staring at each other and I wanted to take back all the stupid things I’d said to Ashleigh. Because Jude was mine and I didn’t want anyone else to have him. Because that was the day I fell in love with Jude McCallister. Six days after my fifteenth birthday. The first time I got my period. The day he strode into the girls’ bathroom and came to my rescue by giving me his hoodie. “My mom’s here,” he said, breaking the spell I was under.

“What happens when the stars fall, Jude?” “I’ll put them back in the sky for you.”

Pulling myself together, I fished the amber bottles out of my pocket and shook the pills into the palm of my hand. Threw them back and washed them down with the rest of the whiskey in the bottle. Then I lay on my back in the tall green grass and stared up at the sky. The night was dark and starless. As it should be. From somewhere far away, I heard music, a beeping sound. My eyes drifted shut. Lila. Lila. Lila. Sorry, baby, I’m just so fucking tired. So fucking weary of this battle. Forgive me.

Dear Lila, There are only so many times a person can say they’re sorry before the words become meaningless. But I’ll say it again for the millionth time. I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep hurting you and pretend it’s okay. I can’t turn a blind eye, knowing that the source of all our problems is me. I used to believe that I could make you happier than any other man ever could. I used to believe that I was worthy of your love. Or, at the very least, that I could strive to be. But I’m not that man anymore. And you deserve so much better. I promised you that I would never leave you but I have to. If I stay, I’ll only destroy you. At first, you might not see it this way but in time you’ll come to realize that I did the best thing I could for you. I’m leaving because I love you. I love you so fucking much that it’s killing me to watch you suffer because of me. Every day I’ve watched you fade until all the light in your eyes was gone, and I knew it was because of me. I did that to you. I took the light out of your eyes when all I ever wanted to do was make you shine brighter. Ever since the day we met, I’ve wanted to protect you and keep you safe. But what happens when the biggest threat to your safety is the man you live with? The man who claims to love you above all others? What kind of man have I become that I would subject you to so much pain and suffering? The kind of man you don’t need in your life. All I want is for you to be happy. And the only way I know h...

“You were my girl, Lila. Mine. I never thought you’d betray me like that.” “I never thought you’d leave me but you did. And the day you walked out that door, you gave up the right to call me your girl. I’m not yours anymore, Jude.”

“Tell me, Lila. Should we pretend we meant nothing to each other? Pretend we didn’t break each other’s hearts?” His hands slid down the wall and stopped next to my hips. “Should we pretend we don’t still want each other?” I pressed my back against the wall, the violent beating of my heart so loud I could hear it pounding in my ears. “I don’t,” I whispered. “I’m over you.” “And I’m over you. I am so fucking over you, baby.” His gaze lowered to my mouth, and my lips parted, a small breath escaping. “I never think of you. You never cross my mind.” “I never think of you either.”

“You know what’s funny? I came back for you. I came back to see if there was a chance you could forgive me. I came back to see if you would give me a second chance. But I got a different answer instead.” “You didn’t come back. I waited. I worried about you. Nobody heard from you, Jude. I woke up in the morning and you were gone. I found your phone smashed to pieces on the kitchen counter. I had no way to reach you. You just took off and didn’t even care about any of the people you left behind.” Tears threatened but I forced them back. I’d shed an ocean of tears for him. He didn’t get to see me cry. He grasped my chin and tilted my face up to his. “I came back to tell you that I couldn’t live without you. I came back to beg for your forgiveness.” “What are you talking about? When was this?” “Doesn’t matter. You made your choices, same as I did.” With that, he released me and strode to the door. There he went again, waltzing away with my heart and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. You made your choices, same as I did. We’d made all the wrong choices. Goddamn you, Jude. Why did you have to come back here and churn up all these emotions again? I hated him. I really did. I hated him so much. If only that were true, life would be so much simpler.

“For making my mommy cry. When she looks at your pictures, she cries and I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry I made your mommy cry. I never meant to. Your mommy is very, very special to me.” Without missing a beat, he asked, “Do you love her?” “Noah.” Lila tried to shush him and steer him away but he wasn’t having it. He stood his ground and looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. Kids. They just get right to the heart of the matter, don’t they? “Yes. I’ve always loved her.” It was true. No sense in lying. Lila had to know that I’ve always loved her. Unfortunately, love hadn’t been enough to fix everything that was broken. Me. I’d been broken. “She was my best friend for a long, long time.”

“You owe me a date,” I called after her. She paused in the doorway and looked over her shoulder. “You owe me an entire galaxy. I’m still waiting for you to put the stars back in the sky.”