The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

by Martha Beck

When you experience unity of intention, fascination, and purpose, you live like a bloodhound on a scent, joyfully doing what feels truest in each moment.

Tragically, many people go their whole lives without ever learning this, never experiencing the joyful ease that comes with full integrity.

Your own life is probably somewhere between utterly blissful and completely wrecked. You have a vague sense of purpose, which you hope to follow someday. Though your job isn’t perfect, it’s good enough. And your relationships are fine.

The extent to which people will defy nature to serve culture can be truly horrifying.

Integrity is the cure for unhappiness. Period. Of all the strategies and skills I’ve ever learned, the ones that actually work are those that help people see where they’ve abandoned their own deep sense of truth and followed some other set of directives.

Our sense of purposelessness doesn’t disappear in the face of culturally defined achievements. It remains a persistent, goading force, a biting fly that won’t stop buzzing around our heads until we begin pursuing goals that truly fulfill us—in other words, following the way of integrity.

Whenever you lose your integrity, you’ll feel your own unique brew of bad moods, depending on your personality.

feel free-floating hostility, itching to punch everyone in your office, family, zip code.

if you don’t walk your true path, you don’t find your true people. You end up in places you don’t like, learning skills that don’t fulfill you, adopting values and customs that feel wrong.

“I’m exhausted by my own hypocrisy.”

rife with misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and mutual exploitation.

No other person can ever find yours for you, much less give it to you.

TRUE

TRUE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

TRUE

TRUE

FALSE

TRUE

TRUE

FALSE

TRUE

TRUE

TRUE

TRUE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

TRUE

TRUE

TRUE

TRUE

TRUE

Count the words you circled in column 1 (the left-hand column).

14

Write the amount here: _______

14

My life isn’t perfect. I don’t like the way things are going. I don’t feel good. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m not at peace. I can’t find my people. I’m not sure where to go. I don’t know what to do. I need help.

Something I yearn for when I’m quiet:

Belonging, purpose

When I imagine getting the thing I yearn for when I’m quiet, I experience the following sensations:

Relaxed, happy, unafraid, deeply satisfied

Think about three or four things you’ve done during the past week. They could be really small things, like brushing your teeth, or enormous things, like robbing a bank, or in-between things, like cooking breakfast or grooming a parrot. Choose one that, in hindsight, seems relatively pleasant. Now let yourself vividly and carefully remember how you felt as you undertook this activity. Were you buoyed up, delighted, as you anticipated doing it? Once you got started, did you genuinely enjoy it? When you finished, were you pleased by the whole process? Make a note:

Knitting the shawl...loved the anticipation and the easy intricacy of seeing the shape emerge as it slowly emerged.

Do you ever hang out with people you don’t truly enjoy? Who are they?

I don't think I know how to enjoy people. I enjoy spending time with Jean and Karen and Susan and Belva and Fran (to a point). Same goes for Tom when he's not bitching about things or disparaging others.

The only change to make at this point on your way of integrity is to

admit—just to yourself—that some of your actions are designed to impress or fit in with other people. These actions aren’t spontaneous, and they aren’t in harmony with your truth.

Reading is the way I’ve met most of my life teachers,

guides. Or maybe we catch a snippet of a podcast or an online lecture and become fascinated by the speaker.

a psychopomp, or “guide of the soul.”

no external teacher can ever be the answer to all your problems.