The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

by Martha Beck

Soul teachers just run right over this rule and talk openly and honestly about what’s actually going on, like savages.

“The outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, for he [she] is the goal.”

It feels calm, clear, still, open. That feeling is the inner teacher saying yes.

The way of integrity is simply to listen to this voice, to sustain this feeling not just occasionally, but often—even continuously. Individuals who can do this are venerated as spiritual masters. If you despair of ever becoming so enlightened, remember that you’ve already done it once. You were a baby for a while, and babies who are too young to have any beliefs simply align with what they truly perceive. That’s why spiritual teachers often point to little children as role models for enlightened living.

But even we grown-ups, lost in the dark wood of error, feel at one with our true selves again every time we brush away a cobweb of fal...

listening to our inner teacher is the most important skill we need to follow the way of integrity.

All the puzzle pieces fit. The math works. Everything makes logical sense.

I felt my whole being—body, mind, heart, and soul—come into alignment. I went limp with relief, with the logic of Kant’s arguments, with the freedom they offered me.

situations in which the whole world takes on a soul teacher’s role.

“I am meant to live in peace”

The first neuroscientists who studied decision-making were surprised to find that people who’d damaged the logical, calculating areas of their brains had no trouble making good choices. On the other hand, when people had damaged parts of their brains that handled emotion, they became unable to make any kind of decision. They would weigh options endlessly, dithering and comparing, but never moving forward. They could reason all day, but they couldn’t recognize a good decision if it bit them on both legs.

whatever it takes for you to experience it—is the meaning of your life.

accepting my advice only if it resonates with your whole self. And, above all, please learn to trust your inner teacher, the burst of relaxation and freedom that rings through your whole body. However your sense of truth feels to you, it will never let you down. And so, with your teacher beside you—or rather, inside you—it’s time to move on.

this book counts if it rings your chimes),

The only way out is through.”

now is the time when you emerge from specific areas of denial that are allowing you to live outside your integrity.

This step isn’t complicated. It simply means accepting that certain parts of your life are as they are, even though you wish they weren’t. It means looking squarely at truths you’ve been hiding from yourself, even though (paradoxically) you know they’re in there. Ultimately, leaving denial is the most productive, grounding, calming thing we could possibly do. But for most of us, it’s still terrifying. We live in the unarticulated but desperate hope that we’ll never have to look at the secret things. That’s one of the hopes we have to abandon to move forward.

But when we hope for something that doesn’t trigger the ring of truth inside us, we split from reality.

Thinking about them deliberately, asking these hard questions, brings you straight up against your own personal hellgate.

avoid my feelings by masquerading as the possibility of control.

Trust in me, just in me Shut your eyes and trust in me You can sleep safe and sound Knowing I am around Trust in me, just in me Shut your eyes and trust in me

It’s ironic but fitting that my first adult experience of mindful presence came from a literal murder song.

by dropping resistance to whatever is happening right now, we are always able to cope. Even when we’re not coping, allowing ourselves to not-cope gets us through this moment, over and over and over. Presence is the sanctuary integrity offers us as denial comes to its dreaded end.

right now is the only thing you’ll ever have to cope with.

The Power of Now

He hadn’t spent one second of that day being a tragically disabled young man forgotten by his loopy mother, wondering if and when help would come. He was just a tired guy in a comfortable chair on a sunny day, ideally situated to take a nap.

“What upsets people is not what happens to them, but their thoughts about what happens.”

If you’re in a relatively comfortable place right now, with no one physically attacking you, the vast majority of any suffering you feel is coming from your thoughts. (This is true even if you’re in physical pain. During my own years of chronic pain, I suffered much more from my thoughts—“I can’t bear this!” “It will last forever!” “I’ll never have a normal life!”—than from the actual physical sensations.)

“Are you sure your brother got married just to spite you? Could there be any other reason?”

“I’m not good enough,” “No one loves me,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,” “You can’t just have what you want,” “I have to do work I hate,” and so on. And on. And on and on and . . .

if you believe a thought is true and it also makes you happy, terrific. This chapter isn’t about challenging your every belief, only the ones that cause suffering. Which brings us to another crucial idea. This one is a mind-pretzel, but bear with me. Our worst psychological suffering comes from thoughts that we genuinely believe, while simultaneously knowing they aren’t true.

The problem is that these people are simultaneously feeling uncomfortable and swearing that they’re completely comfortable.

The operative variable is whether the thoughts we believe match what we deeply feel to be the truth.

He hadn’t been cast down to hell because he was an awful person; he’d just inadvertently created a lot of suppressed suffering.

observe the demons, ask questions about them, and move on.

all reality is subjective.

Are you sure?

As the months and then years went by, I began to hold my tormenting beliefs more lightly. I questioned them. I doubted them. And gradually, because they felt so horrible and I was no longer certain they were true, the hell thoughts faded away.

But suffering is a dauntless ally.

Whatever your terrors are right now, whatever your inner demons are screaming at you, notice that they don’t feel like your inner teacher, that clear chime of truth. They aren’t just unnecessary, they’re toxic. Your true self is showing you that. It’s trying to get your attention, to help you question, doubt, and drop the beliefs that are trapping you in hell. If you can feel that, congratulations. Your trip through the inferno isn’t over yet, but you’ve rejoined the way of integrity. You’ve learned enough to go all the way through your suffering, and out the other side.

Most of us end up in psychological suffering in this completely innocent way. We know we’re hurting, so it seems logical that we did something unwise, but we’re not sure what. This confusion isn’t pleasant—it’s a mild form of suffering. Like all suffering, it stems from believing things that aren’t true. But these are insidious lies, aspects of our cultural training and assumptions so deeply entrenched we don’t even realize they exist.

Some cultural beliefs, like “Puppies are adorable,” may jibe completely with our deepest sense of truth. Others, like “Beautiful people are better than ugly people” or “I can’t be happy unless I’m in a relationship,” may not match our inner truth at all. Believing them may affect us like swallowing poison. But we believe them anyway—often without even clearly articulating them in our own minds. Many “inexplicable” feelings of depression, rage, and anxiety are actually reactions to hidden false beliefs.