How to Talk about Jesus (Without Being That Guy): Personal Evangelism in a Skeptical World

by Sam Chan

Only God can send the fire. But as Keller points out, Elijah still had to build the altar. In the same way, we also have our part to play in evangelism. The gospel belongs to God. But he chooses to use us to tell it in our natural and mundane human words—using our own personal relationships, listening skills, personalities, experiences, stories, emotions, and gospel outlines.

These plausibility structures are essentially preprogrammed and predetermined inside us.

When I said that Jesus was born of a virgin and that he died on a cross and rose again three days later, your plausibility structures were saying, “Believable!” And when I said that Jesus will come again, your plausibility structures kept giving you green lights. Where do these plausibility structures come from? Three main sources contribute to our plausibility structures: (1) community, (2) experiences, and (3) facts, evidence, and data.

But regarding the Jesus story, most of you do belong to a community that believes in Jesus. Most of you have had a personal experience of Jesus in your life. And most of you do believe that there are enough facts, evidence, and data to support the Jesus story.

Facts, evidence, and data are surprisingly weak in making something believable. So which is the most powerful in determining belief? Community.

Our community—whether we are conscious of it or not—determines what we think, how we behave, and what we believe.

Jesus is risen from the dead, whether you choose to believe it or not. But a story, no matter how true, is hard to believe if no one else in your community believes it.

In many cases, the number one reason our friends aren’t Christians is that they don’t have any other Christian friends. So what we need to do is introduce them into a community of Christian friends.

How do we do this? By getting our Christian friends to become friends with our non-Christian friends.

But what we need to do is merge our universes. So when our Christian friends go to the movies, we invite our non-Christian friends along. Or when our non-Christian friends have a barbecue, we bring some of our Christian friends along. Bit by bit, our Christian friends will become friends with our non-Christian friends.

It’s the same with evangelism. It requires a lifestyle change. It’s not a one-off event where we try to tell our friends about Jesus. Instead, we need to become evangelistic. Evangelism is more than something we do; it’s something we become.

As a result, though, that means it’s easier than ever for Christians to make friends with non-Christians. They don’t have a tribe. They don’t have a network. They don’t have an inner circle. So it should be really easy for us to present ourselves as the trusted tribe, network, and friends they need.

First, we visit all our immediate neighbors—usually the two houses on our right, the two houses on our left, and the four houses opposite us. We give them a simple gift—fruit, nuts, beer, or wine—and a card with our names and phone numbers. And then we ask for their names—and write them down before we forget.

Next we knock on their doors around Christmas and Easter and give them a simple card and gift. Bit by bit, we get to know them more. We invite them over for meals or do double-date nights with them. Often when we bake, we share the extra cookies or cakes we’ve made.

We also ask our neighbors for favors because we’ve found that, perhaps counterintuitively, you can build more relational trust by asking for a favor. By askin...

We have placed ourselves in their debt. It’s a funny way to earn trust, but it works. And slowly we found that our neighbors were h...

Through this strategy, we eventually become the village hub. We become the social glue that...

And then we think of Christian friends who have something in common with our non-Christian friends. We throw them together and watch them become friends with each other.

We’ve found that a good ratio is 1:2—that is, for every non-Christian friend, we invite two Christian friends. That way, our non-Christian friends will find it easier to adopt the Christians’ plausibility structures.

The third phase of evangelism is where we are now. Today, our audience is in a completely different universe. They don’t know of the gospel. They don’t even know why they should care. It’s of no relevance to them. And deep down, they suspect that the gospel is a tool of oppression used by those who used to be in power. They are hermetically shut off from the good news of Jesus.

The sequence now seems to be BELONGING → BEHAVIOR → BELIEF. We can look for ways to help our non-Christian friends find belonging with us. Then we can try to do things with them. By doing things together, they might see things from our point of view and gradually also want to share our belief.

We can introduce our Christian friends to our non-Christian friends. We can become their tribe, village, and community. And then, bit by bit, the story of Jesus will be more believable than they had ever dared to imagine.

But if you’re going to their things, they will come to your things. If you hang out together normally, then this is just one of many things that you would be doing together. Suddenly, it’s not as weird or awkward to invite your friends to one of your things—even if it’s a church thing.

Simon the Pharisee invited Jesus to his home for dinner, and Jesus went. Similarly, in Luke 14:1, Jesus went to the house of a prominent Pharisee. Think about it. Jesus was invited to his religious opponents’ dinner parties. It was hardly going to be a fun, relaxing social time. The small talk would have been miserable. Yet Jesus went anyway. In other words, Jesus would go to their things.

Jesus also went to the dinner parties of those on the opposite end of the religious spectrum—the tax collectors and sinners

What we can learn from Jesus is this: if a non-Christian invites us to one of their things—party, fundraiser, gig—we should make it a top priority to go. I often hear Christians lamenting that they have no non-Christian friends. One way to change this is to make a point of going to whatever meals, parties, or events they invite us to.

What once seemed like an inconvenient commitment has turned into welcome opportunities to share the gospel.

She has not only earned massive trust and social capital, but she has become part of the village hub. For many members of the PTA, my wife is the only Christian person they have ever met or known.

Because we are no longer in Christendom, we can’t expect Christianity to be the dominant voice anymore. I don’t want to turn this into a culture wars thing. I understand the need for many voices in the public sphere. But wouldn’t it be nice if Christians were one of those voices? Because my wife gets along with

Jesus is showing that it’s possible to associate with sinners without approving of their lifestyle. Association and approval are not the same thing. And Jesus is also saying that it’s precisely because Levi and his friends are sinners that it’s a priority to eat and drink with them.

Yet we must also keep in mind that we are not Jesus. We are not the Son of God. It’s so nice that Jesus touches lepers, but if we did that, we could catch leprosy. It’s lovely that Jesus holds the hand of a dead girl, but if we did that, we could catch her disease and also die. There are many things Jesus did that we can’t copy 100 percent. Similarly, if we associate with “tax collectors and sinners,” sooner or later we may find that our moral compass is affected. That’s why it’s good to let our church pastor know where we’re going and why we’re doing this—to keep ourselves accountable.

We were always going to their things, so they were happy to come to one of our things. We hang out normally. We’re part of their village.

coffee, dinner, gospel—work so well, we need to understand that there are three layers to a conversation:13

INTERESTS → VALUES → WORLDVIEW

Many of us are afraid of so-called “small talk” that typically defines the conversation at this stage. But we don’t need to be. Small talk is merely talk that’s in this interests layer of conversation. It sounds superficial, but it functions as a safe area for conversation that won’t lead to disagreements or conflict. And if we are good at listening and earn enough trust while talking about interests, eventually we’ll be ready to move the conversation to the next layer.

The statements in this layer are prescriptive. They have a sense of oughtness. They make claims that are, by and large, difficult to verify immediately. As a result, there will be a high chance of disagreement.

But this is the art of conversation. If we show it is safe for them to express themselves and be vulnerable and that we’re listening empathetically, we are preparing the way for the next layer of the conversation—

where conversations about the gospel can take place.

people will often drop hints that they’re ready to move the conversation to the next layer. Our job is to listen intently, pick up on the cues, and simply ask questions like, “Tell me about that,” or “How did that make you feel?” That will give them permission to move us into a deeper conversation.

At this point, we can try to enter the third layer of conversations, where we start talking about worldviews. Here we make statements about what we believe. What is real? What’s wrong with the world? Is there a God? Do we pray? Is there life after death? Are humans essentially good or evil? This is the “gospel” step of evangelism because it is in this layer that conversations will naturally, and organically, present us with opportunities to talk about Jesus.

we earn enough trust in the interests layer, we’ll be allowed to

progress to the values layer. If we navigate the values layer well, we can look for opportunities to progress to the worldviews layer. There, gradually and organically, gospel conversations will occur. The key to navigating the layers is this: pay attention.

The nudge question nudges the conversation into the next layer. From interests to values. From values to worldviews. And from there we nudge the conversation from secular conversation to sacred conversation.

What are you looking for in life? • Why is this important to you? • What is the one thing you absolutely must have in this life? • What happens if you don’t find what you’re looking for? • What do you think it all means? • What do you believe about God? • What do you think God wants from you? • Do you have a faith? • What religion did your parents raise you with?16 • Do you pray? • What’s the best thing about being a Muslim?17 • Tell me about some traditions, festivals, or celebrations that are important to you? • What do people get wrong about Islam? When we ask these questions, the goal is to listen and give them the permission to keep on talking.

We’re not trying to have an argument. We’re not trying to reason them into the faith. We’re not trying to debate them. We’re not asking them to defend their position. We are simply using the questions to give them our permission to take the conversation to the next level. It’s an invitation, not an inquisition or interrogation.

Hospitality provides the space and permission for gospel conversations to occur.

Hospitality is costly. It costs time, effort, and money. It’s a form of generosity. But hospitality gives us social capital. It allows us to earn our friends’ trust so we can talk about things that matter. And if we’ve been generous to them, then they will most likely reciprocate by listening to our views, even if they don’t agree with what we’re saying. Hospitality also makes the host vulnerable—we’re opening up our private homes to our guests. But in doing so, hospitality invites the guests to be vulnerable in return.

Hospitality takes creativity and sacrifice, but the conversation opportunities it creates are worth the effort.

Then, no matter how they reply, I respond with, “Wow! Tell me more.” I ask questions to invite them to keep sharing. And then I listen. This

That brings me to lesson number one on how not to evangelize: Unless our friends feel heard, they cannot listen to us, no matter how hard they try.