Laws of Physics: Space (Hypothesis #5)

by Penny Reid

Because, let’s face it, genitalia—all genitalia, no matter the animal—range from distressing to disturbing to horrifying. Human vaginas look like sea creatures that slurp their food—and probably regurgitate half of it—and penises are startling, no matter the situation. If someone made a horror movie entitled, Dick Pics and just showed various dick pics? It would be the scariest, most distressing movie ever made.

The only species that does reproductive systems visually right are angiosperms (flowering plants). When you’re smelling a flower, you’re basically smelling a dick. Let that sink in.

“Yes. I’ll accept responsibility, apologize, be sensitive to your concerns, work to modify my behavior in the future, and suggest we try to find a way forward with minimal awkwardness. You know, take it like a woman.”

“What would take it like a man look like? In comparison?” She shrugged, sighed, rested her head against my shoulder. “I don’t know. I guess, pretend it didn’t happen? Put on a brave face? Take you out for a beer?”

Don’t be too smart. Don’t admit you’re smart. Don’t think you’re smart. Be brilliant. Make some mistakes. Give your opinion. Don’t make any mistakes. Stop trying to be perfect. Don’t talk so much. Talk more. Don’t be too nice. Be nice. Smile. Don’t smile so much. Act like a man. Act like a woman. Be assertive. Don’t be emotional. Be sensitive. Not too assertive. Be nice to my friends. Don’t lead them on. Let them down gently. I was so tired of walking a tightrope, at work, here, with my family, with everyone. Enough. I’d had enough.

I didn’t want one of her moments, I wanted all of them. I wanted an invasion, not a visit.