Hate Me (Black Mountain Academy)

by Ashley Jade

His rough voice cuts through the fog. “Stray.” I know what he needs. Reaching down, I take his hand and place it on my throat. I expect him to start squeezing, but he doesn’t. He wraps his arm around my back instead, pulling us into a sitting position. His thrusts deepen as he kisses my cheeks, my chin, my lips. Our skin sticks with sweat as we rock into each other and he presses his forehead against mine. Oh, God. This is so different…so intimate. He holds my gaze as we exchange the same breath. “Aspen.” There’s so much stark emotion contained when he says my name—hate, love, want, desire, obsession—all of it tangled into one.

I thought love ended the day my dad died. That I’d never be capable of feeling that emotion for someone ever again. But I was wrong. Because it’s here between us—entangled in all our lies and ugly secrets.

His eyes search mine as he sweeps my hair off my face, like he knows the words he wants to say, he just doesn’t know how to say them. But it’s okay, because I know he will one day. “I know,” I whisper as tears blur my vision. “I feel it, too.”

I know you think I’m leaving you while you’re at your worst, but it’s me. I’m at my worst.

I’m not abandoning you, because that implies I’ll never be back again. I will. I just need to get my shit together first and make something of myself. For me and for you. In the meantime, I want you to focus on you.

I also want you to smile, go to parties, make new friends, blow a test or two, sip some fancy drinks with dumb pretentious names while you study at the local coffee shops, bake a fuck-ton of cupcakes, and turn down every guy who hits on you…because they will most definitely hit on you. Point is, I want you to live, Aspen. More than live. I want you to grab life by the goddamn balls and fucking fly.

And no, I don’t expect you to wait for me. But I’ll sure as fuck be waiting for you. Because you were the only person who ever helped me. And you’ll own every part of my fucked-up soul until they put me in the ground.

They say strays always come back... But this time, I’ll be the one coming back to you. I don’t know when...but I will...

“My daddy isn’t dumb,” Aspen hissed. “Take it back.” I shrugged, secretly enjoying how irritated she was. “I’m sorry.” She started to smile, and I noticed her tiny teeth were crooked. “Thank—” “I’m sorry your dad is dumb.”

I could tell she wanted to yell again, but to my surprise her expression softened, and she took a step closer. Without warning, her hand found my cheek, her bright green eyes lingering on my face. “Are you okay?” Before I could stop her, her thumb brushed over the bruise. Bile rushed up my throat, but she held my stare… Almost like she could detect the demons inside me. Everyone ignored my bruises. Teachers, other kids, school nurses. No one wanted to get involved. But not her. This weird girl actually saw me.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so messed up. I’m sorry you saw me. I’m sorry I had to make you hate me…

“Aspen Falcone,” the announcer calls out. Excitement courses through me as I walk across the stage and accept my diploma. It’s only when the room erupts in cheers and claps and I turn to look at the audience that disappointment slams me in the chest. I don’t have any family. There’s no one here to congratulate me. No one here to take me out to dinner after. No one here to smile and look on with pride because I made my dreams come true.

I walk off the stage and I’m about to head back to my row, but a man wearing a camouflage uniform stalks up the aisle like he owns it. Not just any man. I realize as he gets closer. Because I’d know those lips, sharp cheekbones, stubborn jaw…and those intense eyes anywhere.

“You kept your promise,” I whisper when he places me down. He sweeps his thumb over my cheek, brushing away my tears. “Of course, I did.” He closes the distance between us, his gaze falling to my lips. “I love you.”

“Wait,” I say between frantic kisses that have my head spinning. “Is this for real?” “Is what for real?” “This…us.” I peer up at him. “I can’t do this if you’re going to leave me again.” I understood why he had to do it, but I won’t survive if he does it to me a second time.

He reaches for my hand and places it on his chest, right over the organ beating frantically. “I’m yours, Stray. For however long you want me.” I’ll want him forever. “In that case…I love you, too.”