Theory of Bastards

by Audrey Schulman

to Quark some searches.

No, 33 years old and fresh from this last surgery, she had no use for other people’s jealousy.

Realizing something was up, the 14 bonobos were clustered near the glass, watching the path for whatever change was about to arrive, the crowd of them reminiscent of the researchers waiting for Frankie’s car.

It took Frankie a moment to realize the animals must know all the researchers who worked here.

Then behind them, a door opened up on the balcony, inside the enclosure, and a staff-person in coveralls stepped out, lugging two buckets of food.

A researcher giggled nervously. Bellows’s head swiveled and the giggle stopped.

It’s just as likely that an ovulating female will end up mating with the least healthy male as the most healthy one?

Two, she said, You can write as many grants as you want using my name and resume and I hope lots of funding comes from those grants, but understand my reason for being here is to do research. I will not be trotted out to wine and dine any potential funders.

No, Frankie said and pointed instead to the only person she could see who wasn’t directly facing her—some guy who had hung back the whole time, looking like he wanted to be someplace else, probably doing his work. Pretty much the way she felt. Him, she said.

Instead he wore just an old Wrist-able. She hadn’t realized they still made them, the device as bulky as a watch. She wondered if his salary was that low.

I don’t like praise, she said. Don’t give me any.

Don’t care, she said. If I require information you don’t know, you’ll learn it.

You keep calling me ma’am. Were you in the Army or is this some sort of regional verbal tic?

Compared to New York City, it was a foreign country: Republican, rural, creationist, poor.

Given her well-known research, comments about reproduction could be taken many ways.

Or at least that’s the current theory, why you hear of chimps being able to rip a human’s arm off. What they’re doing is withdrawing all their money.

He continued, Every day I try that machine and I never get close to their strength.

Her parents—Canadians—didn’t discuss politics, sex or bowel movements. Their voices were carefully modulated, every consonant clear as a bell.

When asked, they always replied they were doing well, thank you.

Both of her parents strove to keep whatever feelings they felt within the range of what they considered allowable.

From then on, she recited each morning along with the class, her hand over her heart, I led the pigeons to the flag . . .

He answered, Everything I use, including electricity, is taken out of my budget.

She listened for resentment around this statement, but he simply moved her down the hall to the next door and said, Ok Door, open.

He said, Technically the bonobos are allowed anywhere in this locked interaction area, but mostly we keep them here within the research room.

Stay here, he said. Once Goliath enters the room, don’t talk and don’t get out of the chair. That’s important.

He answered, First off, ma’am, that’d be cruel. Secondly, while he’s a gentle soul, it’s wise to remember he has the physical power to rip our faces off our skulls. Third, to do research here, we need the cooperation of the bonobos.

His wandering path reminded her of the way a cat will approach to be petted, moseying along indirect enough not to lose self-respect.

He said, On average, for those like Goliath who were raised with English, their comprehension is roughly equivalent to a four-year-old’s.

Basically, they are as close as you can get to a living version of early humans.

Half the battle of keeping smart animals healthy in captivity was having them stay busy and interested in life.

By the time the adult males were allowed to leave the sleeping chamber, most of the biggest caches of fruit had been claimed.

concerned tone

which was well over six months old and beginning to have version-incompatibility problems with devices outside of her BodyWare.

From the visuals it was apparent most of the stories concerned extreme weather events and cyberattacks.

The simple trick of a photo starting to laugh was endlessly effective—as if by staring hard enough, any scene could be brought to life.

Stotts answered, Two reasons, ma’am. First off, chimps have killed people. I really wouldn’t enjoy sitting next to them, teaching them how to make knives.

A juvenile can actually reach into an adult’s mouth for a piece of fruit and the adult will keep its mouth open, waiting for the juvenile to figure out which piece it wants.

Stotts said, The results are so consistent, that one set of researchers actually tried to get the bonobos not to cooperate.

Then the second bonobo—the one who was still locked in—would squeal and the first would knuckle right past the pile of food, to open the door for the second, without snagging even one piece of fruit on the way.

Now it was slang to mean the person was texting.

This work to reduce infanticide might be why a female bonobo advertised her fertility for so much of each month, her pink sexual swelling lasting for week after week, hiding the timing of her ovulation so all the males might feel they were the father of the next baby.

Also the car could hurtle along at 90 miles per hour while the windshield played movies or displayed the passing cobblestone streets of ancient Rome or the arching trees of a national forest, hiding all unpleasant scenery.

selfer’s

Ok Selfer,

The transaction completed in a millisecond, the selfer and her EarDrums beeping in accord. At least in terms of payment, the manufacturers made sure there was never any difficulty with version differences.

For the slower comprehension of the human, the car’s speakers repeated the payment in English, the voice as condescending as a preschool teacher’s.

before learning a bulging male jawline was associated with a high level of testosterone during adolescence.

(only a teenage male in good health could tolerate it),

For two decades, evolutionary psychologists had continued in this manner, obsessively cataloging the practical reasons behind female mating preferences.

However, again the females had a strong opinion, hating the stockings.