Fragile Longing

by Cora Reilly

Thou shalt not covet. I’d pined for Danilo even when he had still been engaged to my sister. It had been an innocent infatuation of a young girl, fantasizing how things would be if he were mine. My knight-in-shining armor, my Disney prince.

my favorite daydream, until a simple fantasy had turned to reality when my sister couldn’t marry him. That dream soon turned into a nightmare, and a silly girl’s fantasy burst. He didn’t want me.

A shadow of an immaculate image. Always less. Never enough.

It wasn’t my name that would be whispered in the pews today. Because I was the consolation prize. The surrogate bride. Worst of all, I was not my sister.

She wasn’t Serafina.

She’s not some fucking thing you accept as a consolation prize.” But she was the consolation prize. We all knew it.

“We could go skinny-dipping,” Anna suggested. I looked at her in disbelief, but she was giving Santino that challenging smile she’d adopted around him. He downed his beer. “Clothes stay on, and you two won’t behave like bickering toddlers.” “I’m not a kid, Sonny,” Anna muttered. His eyes flashed. I wasn’t sure why Anna loved to piss him off by using that stupid nickname, or pretty much anything else she did. It had become her favorite pastime.

Anna stripped beside me, clearly giving Santino a show. He leaned back in his chair with a mildly pissed expression. I still had my bathing suit on beneath my summer dress, but Anna didn’t. She dashed toward the lake in black underwear and dived in. “I’ll ask for a fucking pay raise once I’m back in Chicago,” Santino growled as he got up and began to undress.

Santino’s expression on the other hand conveyed that he wanted to kill us. I leaned over to Anna. “He looks pissed. Are you sure this is a good idea?” She waved me off. “Don’t worry. I can handle him.” I wondered what exactly Anna had used against him. Santino didn’t strike me as a man who would let a teenage girl tell him what to do.

Less. So was I. Not what Danilo wanted. I was the consolation prize, would always be.

Anna Cavallaro and her goddamn bodyguard. It made sense. Anna had always seemed like such a good girl, but it was all probably just for show. If she had her father’s cunning, tricking people into believing whatever she wanted wouldn’t be a problem.

which makes me wonder what forced you to take them here.” Sofia glanced nervously between us. Something flickered in Santino’s eyes. I chuckled, realizing my guess had been correct. “Does Dante’s little angel hold something in her perfectly manicured hands against you?”

maybe you’re right and your daddy won’t be mad at you . . .” I looked at Santino. “But he’ll be fucking furious at your bodyguard. I can already imagine the public dismemberment. So, unless you want to be responsible for your bodyguard’s very painful death, you’ll go to bed like the good girl you always pretend to be.” Anna peered up at Santino’s face.

Tears burned in my eyes. “I’m not sure I know who I am anymore. Everything I’ve done these last few years has been to please others. I faded into the background to give Mom and Dad room for their sadness. I never asked Samuel for anything because I didn’t want him to think I was taking Fina’s place. I always adapted to everything around me. I was so stupid.”

“Be selfish for once, Sofia. In this world, we women get so few choices, so little freedom. We have to grasp happiness by the collar and drag it with us. We can’t hope for happiness to jump into our lap. Be selfish. You deserve it.”

I was done finding excuses for his actions, done trying to be what he wanted, what he needed, because so far, he’d done nothing to deserve my kindness or affection. Anna was right. I needed to stand up for myself for the first time in years, not just against Danilo, but also against my family. I needed to make them see that while they’d lost Fina without a choice, they’d willingly given me up.

Over the years, open comparisons to Fina had become less frequent, but I knew some people still compared me to my sister. But today, maybe for the very first time, I felt confident enough that I didn’t mind. I wasn’t less than her, definitely not a consolation prize.

“When did you grow up so much?” I couldn’t help laughing. “It must have happened in the last three to five years I suppose.” I barely stopped myself from saying ‘while you were busy living in the past’. I didn’t want any conflict today.

I’m just doing it to annoy Santino, and it’s kind of stuck.” I rolled my eyes. “What’s been going on between the two of you?” Anna made a dismissive gesture. “Let’s not get into that today. This is your day.”

Maybe, for a second, he would look at me with the same longing he used to direct at Serafina. Before he realized I wasn’t her. Before that look of disappointment settled on his face again. Less than he wanted. Tearing the veil from my hair, I tossed it away. I was done trying to be someone else. Danilo would have to see me for who I was, and if that meant he’d never look at me twice, then so be it. I was enough.

I’d fought for his love for years and gotten his anger instead.

“I didn’t want you to control yourself,” I growled. “Fuck, Sofia, you’re driving me insane. I’m not an idiot. I could tell you didn’t want me to mount you like an animal. You want lovemaking, so why did you provoke me?” Lovemaking? Was that even an option? “Because your hatred is better than your disinterest. You could barely look at me!”

Where I was prideful, Sofia was humble. Where I was vengeful, she was forgiving. Where I was short-tempered, she was patient.

Serafina and Emma got hurt when I was away, and it almost broke me, but with you . . . with you, I don’t think I could actually live with myself. You are my life, Sofia.