Fragile Longing

by Cora Reilly

Thou shalt not covet. I’d pined for Danilo even when he had still been engaged to my sister. It had been an innocent infatuation of a young girl, fantasizing how things would be if he were mine. My knight-in-shining armor, my Disney prince.

“Sofia deserves more than being second best.” That was probably true. True for both our sisters. Fate had dealt Emma some harsh cards, and she deserved only the best. Would she ever get it? Probably not. “I’ll treat Sofia with the same respect as I have always treated Serafina.” My mouth twisted as I voiced her name. “Remember to do the same with Emma.”

“You look like a bad copy of your sister. Do you want people to badmouth your family again because of what happened?” “I–I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’ll ask for a fucking pay raise once I’m back in Chicago,” Santino growled as he got up and began to undress.

Already at our last encounter I’d noticed a change, and now it was impossible to ignore. I noticed Sofia, not because she deserved my attention due to our planned future together. No. I noticed her curves, her beautiful face. Sofia wasn’t a kid anymore. She was a young woman with a desirable body. Now, her flirting didn’t seem amusing or like a game. It felt like a promise of what would soon be in my reach, a dangerous temptation.

“It’s our duty to make the bond work.” I was a chore. His duty. He was only marrying me so Samuel would marry Emma in turn. He’d never wanted me for myself.

I’d always known this marriage wasn’t based on emotions. It had been a deal from the very start—me as a substitute for Serafina. Still the knowledge about the additional deal tore at me. Emma didn’t know, either. For the briefest moment, I considered telling her, but then I decided against it. The truth would only cause her heartache. At least, she should enter her marriage thinking we weren’t exchanged like cattle.

“I’m going to fuck you hard right against this tree. I’m not in the mood for fucking foreplay, so you better tell me now if your pussy is ready to take my cock,” he growled.

I’d messed up often in the past, and now I needed to figure out a way to make it up to my fiancée. Problem was my pride. It had always been and would always be a problem.

I wanted him to see that I was more than a consolation prize, that I was as worthy as Fina had been.

To become who I thought he wanted me to be, I’d lost myself. I’d sold myself short, given up my pride. Thinking of how proud Mom was, I felt ashamed of my actions.

“Be selfish for once, Sofia. In this world, we women get so few choices, so little freedom. We have to grasp happiness by the collar and drag it with us. We can’t hope for happiness to jump into our lap. Be selfish. You deserve it.”

I’d thought last night would end with a big revelation: Danilo realizing I was desirable and that he’d stop looking for a copy of Fina. Instead, it had ended with the realization that I’d given up myself to please someone else, and that whatever person you portrayed it would always be less than what your real self could be.

Danilo definitely hadn’t looked as if he suddenly saw my worth. He’d looked guilty, and worse, he pitied me. Of all the things I’d wanted from him, pity wasn’t one of them. But I supposed that’s what I deserved for being such an idiot.

But I was done finding excuses for his actions, done trying to be what he wanted, what he needed, because so far, he’d done nothing to deserve my kindness or affection. Anna was right. I needed to stand up for myself for the first time in years, not just against Danilo, but also against my family. I needed to make them see that while they’d lost Fina without a choice, they’d willingly given me up.

I needed time to come to terms with what had happened and find the necessary strength to harden myself against the feelings Danilo evoked in me. My crush on him hadn’t magically disappeared, but I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t give up myself for this infatuation anymore.

Over the years, open comparisons to Fina had become less frequent, but I knew some people still compared me to my sister. But today, maybe for the very first time, I felt confident enough that I didn’t mind. I wasn’t less than her, definitely not a consolation prize.

“You don’t have to be nervous. Danilo is a gentleman.” I nodded. He wasn’t really. At least, he hadn’t been to that blonde girl. He’d been angry and rude. Nothing like I’d expected.

“Are you even in love with Danilo, or are you in love with the image you had of him? Because I think he’s been an asshole, and that’s not someone you want to be in love with.” I raised my eyebrows.

My fingers trembled as I smoothed down my wedding dress and lowered the veil over my face. This was my day and yet . . . . . . it wasn’t my name they would whisper in the pews today. Because I was the consolation prize. The surrogate bride. Worst of all, I was not my sister.

Serafina’s number finally disappeared from the screen, and I stifled a sigh of relief. I wanted this day to be about me. Talking to her now would only increase my feelings of inadequacy. Today, I’d be selfish.

His brown eyes never wavered from me, but his expression was impossible to read. I didn’t detect a flicker of nerves or excitement. He was composed and controlled, as if this was duty and nothing to get his pulse racing. I wished I could be like him, but even now, I longed for a bond driven by love and affection, a bond that went deeper than political tactics.

When Sofia had taken her sister’s stead more than six years ago, I’d considered her the consolation prize. She’d been a child. I hadn’t been able to see her as anything but the cute kid who followed me like a lost puppy. She’d been an afterthought.

I allowed myself to take Sofia in, to see her for what she was: a gorgeous young woman. Not a consolation prize, not Serafina’s sister.

“You weren’t supposed to be at a party, Sofia. We weren’t married yet, so I was still well within my rights to do as I please.”

“Many men continue to do as they please. Men always do as they please, no matter the damage they do.”

Soon, Emma started laughing as we whirled around to the music. When the dance was over, and I carried her back to her wheelchair, she didn’t release me immediately but clung to my neck for a few seconds. “Thank you so much. You’re the best brother I could ever wish for.”

“This shouldn’t have happened at our wedding,” I said as my version of an apology. “You’re right. There are quite a few shouldn’t-have-happeneds in our past. Maybe we should try to minimize them.”

“I know what the world is like, don’t worry. I’m not a naïve eleven-year-old anymore.” “Remo destroyed more than one life.” “Maybe Remo began the process of tearing down my innocent view on the world, but you finished the job five months ago.”

Anna propped her hip against the sink and gave me that motherly look she could adopt. “Do I have to worry about you tonight?” I rolled my eyes. “Danilo is my husband. Unless I mention Fina, I won’t get his heart rate up, or anything else, don’t worry.”

“I like that he treats me with respect, but does he have to be so . . . detached? It’s like it’s not even difficult for him to be a gentleman because he doesn’t have any indecent thoughts about me.”

My husband. I’d waited for so long to call Danilo my husband, and now the expected joy didn’t come.

dared to look at Danilo. He stood close to the door, regarding me with a small frown, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to do with me now that he had me alone.

I wanted passion, not just the fury-fueled passion of our last encounter. I wanted searing kisses and torn-apart shirts, flying buttons, and ripped panties.

Danilo removed his hand from my arm and cupped my head before he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead as if I were a little child. “It’s been a long day. Get changed, and then we’ll go to sleep.” Danilo didn’t want to touch me. Because it wasn’t me he wanted, not my body he wanted to claim, not my face he wanted to wake up beside.

I almost preferred our painful first intimacy, anything was better than his ignorance, this feeling of being less than he wanted no matter how hard I tried to be enough. I’d sworn to myself not to care, but I cared a lot. I wanted his desire, his love, his passion. Everything.

Even in arranged marriages, the husband usually desired the wife and couldn’t wait to claim her. But Danilo didn’t even want me in that regard, much less the way I wanted him. Searing kisses and ripped panties . . . a bitter smile twisted my mouth at my idiotic fantasies.

I slipped out of my wedding dress, realizing that this was it. The day I’d been dreaming about since I was a little girl had come and gone, and I felt horrible.

I’d loved him innocently, wholly, desperately with my stupid naïve heart. Could I learn to hate him with the same passion? It was a matter of survival. I couldn’t take it. His disinterest, how he avoided looking at me as if the sight of me was repulsive, as if he couldn’t bear it for even a second.

I didn’t want a repeat performance of what had happened at the party, but I didn’t want this passionless gentleman, either.

“Stop mentioning his name, Sofia.” “Why? Because he got what you wanted, and now you’re left with someone you don’t want? Someone you don’t even want to touch, much less fuck.”

Danilo’s lips came down on mine, but I turned my head away, not wanting a kiss full of anger. My first kiss would be romantic and beautiful, even if that meant it would never happen. He breathed harshly into my ears. “You don’t want this.” “I do! Don’t pretend you know what I want. Just do your duty and fuck your wife.

“You don’t know what I want, so don’t pretend you didn’t claim me tonight because my eyes told you I didn’t want it. You didn’t want it.”

Even in a rampant rage, he hadn’t claimed me. I was done. If he didn’t want me, then that was his problem. I wouldn’t try to get his attention again. And yet, I didn’t regret last night. It had given me a sense of final loss, as if I could let go of Danilo and my childish hope for love. I was done pining for him.

“Don’t avoid me. We need to talk.” “Talk about what?” “About last night, about the party, about our marriage and what you expect from it. We’re both part of this bond, and I won’t let you run from it.” “I’m not running from it. I’m just tired of investing too much in it when you don’t. I won’t allow myself to feel anything for you anymore. It’s your turn. I’m just done.”

“You loved my sister even though you didn’t know her.” He let out a dark laugh, a dimple flashing in his cheek. “I didn’t love her. I wanted to possess her. I didn’t know her, either. Love doesn’t work from a distance. You can only love whom you know. Love means work and dedication, but most of all, time.”

“I want to show you the city tomorrow after breakfast. Indianapolis isn’t a tourist magnet, but there are quite a few things to do.” Her brow furrowed adorably. “Sure.” Fuck, I wanted the giddy, infatuated girl back. This cautious version made me feel out of my element. Maybe that was what she wanted. Sofia was clever.

I scooted off his lap before I could lose myself completely, but Danilo caught my wrist and pulled me down so he could murmur in my ear. “How are those panties? Soaking wet?” My eyes widened, surprised by his directness. I wanted to be just as bold. Looking around, I reached under my dress and dragged down my panties. With a coy smile, I stuffed them into his pocket.

Where I was prideful, Sofia was humble. Where I was vengeful, she was forgiving. Where I was short-tempered, she was patient.