Emotionally Healthy Discipleship: Moving from Shallow Christianity to Deep Transformation

by Peter Scazzero

For example, we have learned to accept that: • You can be a gifted speaker for God in public and be a detached spouse or angry parent at home. • You can function as a leader and yet be unteachable, insecure, and defensive. • You can quote the Bible with ease and still be unaware of your reactivity. • You can fast and pray regularly and yet remain critical of others, justifying it as discernment. • You can lead people “for God,” when, in reality, your primary motive is an unhealthy need to be admired by others. • You can be hurt by the unkind comment of a coworker and justify saying nothing because you avoid conflicts at all costs. • You can serve tirelessly in multiple ministries, and yet carry resentments because there is little personal time for healthy self-care. • You can lead a large ministry with little transparency, rarely sharing struggles or weakness.

Daaaang

Because we have disconnected emotional health from spiritual health. Where did we get the idea that it’s possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature?

In other words, if those around us consistently experience us as unapproachable, cold, unsafe, defensive, rigid, or judgmental, Scripture declares us spiritually immature.

For Jesus, enemies were not interruptions to the spiritual life, but often the very means by which we might experience deeper communion with God.

Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God . . . Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice. . . . However, we often turn a deaf ear—through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. . . . In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God.10

Some of us are actually addicted—not to drugs or alcohol, but to the adrenaline rush of doing. We might read about the need to rest and recharge, but we fear how many things might fall apart if we did. So we just keep going. And in this hurried and exhausted state, we have little time or energy left to invest in our relationship with God, ourselves, or others. As a result, our own lives remain largely unchanged, and the only thing we have to give away to those we lead is our shallow discipleship.

Success, according to Scripture, is becoming the person God calls you to become, and doing what God calls you to do–in his way, and according to his timetable. What this means is that it is possible for a ministry or organization to be growing numerically and yet actually failing. And that your ministry and numbers may be declining and yet actually be succeeding!

Instead of moving to the urban center of Jerusalem to start his ministry, John began his work in the wilderness—a place that required people to travel long distances to get to him.

An emotionally healthy disciple slows down to be with Jesus, goes beneath the surface of their life to be deeply transformed by Jesus, and offers their life as a gift to the world for Jesus.

They recognize their presence—with God, themselves, and others—is their greatest gift and contribution to those they lead. Because of this, they carry an unrelenting commitment to not allow their doing to exceed their being.

The early church realized that simply getting people to do Christian behaviors—attending worship, evangelizing, and participating in fellowship—would not be enough for people to stand firm in Jesus amidst such pressure.

When I came to faith in Jesus, I was taught to do a lot of things—how to pray, read Scripture, share the gospel, discover and use my spiritual gifts, lead a small group—the list goes on. This list expanded when I became a leader and had to learn how to do more things—such as delegate, cast vision, and teach effectively. However, one practice that never made it to our list of necessary discipling skills was how to lead out of our being. We emphasized doing so strongly that teaching people to be with Jesus, and themselves, was mostly lost in the process.

A leadership culture committed to being before doing slows down the discipleship process and radically shifts priorities. The conversations are different. So are the questions we ask. We become more reflective and now regularly ask ourselves, “Do I really want people to imitate the way I am living? In what areas of my life am I speaking of things I am not living?” These three statements summarize this be-before-you-do approach to ministry: 1. You cannot give what you do not possess. 2. What you do is important, but who you are is even more important. 3. The state you are in is the state you give to others.

At times, our false self has become such a part of who we are that we don’t even realize it. However, the external behaviors of the false self are easier to spot—self-protection, possessiveness, manipulation, self-promotion, and a need to distinguish ourselves from others. When we add a religious layer to this false self, the challenge of dismantling it becomes even more difficult.

God invites us to remove the false layers we wear so that the “seeds of true self” he has planted inside of us can emerge. While following this path may appear impossible, the God of the universe has made his home in us (John 14:23) and given us the very glory he gave Jesus (John 17:21–23). As we open ourselves to the Holy Spirit, we discover God does in us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Once I begin to be aware of what I am doing, how I am feeling, and how it is impacting others, I ask myself the difficult “why” questions. For example: • Why am I always in a hurry? • Why am I so impatient? • What is that anxiety all about? • Why am I so angry, and why did I get so defensive when Jane told me she was thinking about leaving our church? • Why do I avoid conflicts?