Emotionally Healthy Discipleship: Moving from Shallow Christianity to Deep Transformation

by Peter Scazzero

We lead out of who we are more than what we do or say.

Too many people have been “babied” in their discipleship, to the point that they have become nearly disabled spiritually.

What are the beneath-the-surface failures that undermine deep discipleship and keep people from becoming spiritually mature?

1. We tolerate emotional immaturity. 2. We emphasize doing for God over being with God. 3. We ignore the treasures of church history. 4. We define success wrongly.

In other words, if those around us consistently experience us as unapproachable, cold, unsafe, defensive, rigid, or judgmental, Scripture declares us spiritually immature.

For Jesus, enemies were not interruptions to the spiritual life, but often the very means by which we might experience deeper communion with God.

Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God . . . Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice. . . . However, we often turn a deaf ear—through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. . . . In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God.10

It didn’t matter how many years passed, whether seventeen or another fifty. I would remain an emotional infant until I acknowledged the emotional part of God’s image in me.

We might read about the need to rest and recharge, but we fear how many things might fall apart if we did. So we just keep going. And in this hurried and exhausted state, we have little time or energy left to invest in our relationship with God, ourselves, or others. As a result, our own lives remain largely unchanged, and the only thing we have to give away to those we lead is our shallow discipleship.

How could I be in communion with other people when I wasn’t in communion with myself? How could I be in a healthy relationship with others when I wasn’t in a healthy relationship with myself? And how could I be in an intimate relationship with others when I wasn’t intimate with myself?

When we disciple or lead others, we essentially give away who we are—specifically, who we are in God. We give who we are on the inside, we give our presence, we give our journey with Jesus. This means we can give away only what we possess, which is the life we actually live each day. How could it be any other way?

We now have large numbers of “believers” who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior but who are not “disciples” following him. At the same time, our discipleship initiatives are top-heavy on renewing the mind through Scripture, but correspondingly weak in other critical components of a fully orbed, biblical spirituality—such as the practices of silence, stillness, solitude, and waiting on God.

Success, according to Scripture, is becoming the person God calls you to become, and doing what God calls you to do–in his way, and according to his timetable.

In allowing the Word of God to penetrate the core of his being, he became the message that he ultimately preached.

Our approach resembles more of a conveyor belt in a manufacturing plant than the kind of relational discipleship Jesus modeled for us. We like standardization. Jesus preferred customization.

An emotionally healthy disciple slows down to be with Jesus, goes beneath the surface of their life to be deeply transformed by Jesus, and offers their life as a gift to the world for Jesus.

“Do I really want people to imitate the way I am living? In what areas of my life am I speaking of things I am not living?”

What do these people need me to be so we can relate together? It sounds selfless, but I don’t think it is; rather, it’s my attempt to be and do whatever the person before me needs. I’m terrified that if I am simply myself, it will not be enough to foster connection and friendship. I’m terrified of rejection. So, I choose certain connection over possible rejection. I immediately and subconsciously look to adapt myself, my behavior, and my speech, to best suit the needs of the room.

Who does God need me to be so we can relate? God asks, “Where are you, my son?” I have no idea how to answer because I don’t know where I am, or who I am, or how I am—other than tired. I’ve spent so much time wearing masks for others (my doing) that I’ve forgotten what my real face actually looks like (my being).

In conversations, we don’t engage in impression management to cover our weaknesses in the hope that people will think we are somebody.

• When are my plans and ambitions legitimately for the glory of God, and when do they cross the line into my own desire for greatness? • What opportunities has God placed before me to be lowly with the lowly, to be little with the little?

Success is becoming the person God calls you to become, and doing what God calls you to do—in his way, and according to his timetable.

Remember, not every opportunity to expand the work of God is actually an invitation from God.

I am willing to look foolish, even like I’m failing, and can wait on God rather than manipulate people and plans for numerical growth in my ministry;

I’m willing to take time to grieve the losses around me and trust God to reveal the treasures he has for me in them, and to take the necessary time to be present to people as Jesus was—even if it makes me look weak to those around me;

Suffering and failure have always been God’s means to transform us from willful to willing, from swimming upstream against the current of God’s love to floating downstream, trusting in him to take care of us. It is also the primary way he teaches us to be patient.

In what ways do I try to avoid the suffering and failure Jesus might be setting before me? • Before whom do I most dread looking foolish? Name them.

it is the Father who draws disciples, and the Father who keeps them there.

We set goals and direction for our lives and ministry, yet release attachment to any particular outcome. We engage in active service to Jesus with a passionate, yet detached activism, recognizing we cannot manipulate or predict what he wants to do. • We are prayerful, not to get what we want, but to surrender our will to God’s will, recognizing that unhealthy attachments are a reflection of our core spiritual problem: self-will.

Discretion is the practice of waiting with prayerful expectation to see what unfolds. It has the humility and patience to discern when to leave things alone, knowing when our interference will only complicate things. Flowing from a space of silence and stillness, discretion gives us, as the apostle Paul wrote, the keen ability to distinguish between good and evil spirits (1 Corinthians 12:10). Moreover, it enables us to exercise self-control, and to wait.