How To Win Friends and Influence People

by Dale Carnegie

‘I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.

an animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour.

‘As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.’

The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralise employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.

that all of Theodore Roosevelt’s criticism didn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself

Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return;

‘Judge not, that ye be not judged.’

And when Mrs Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied: ‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.’

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favour of it. But why not begin on yourself?

‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof,’ said Confucious, ‘when your own doorstep is unclean.’

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

The secret of his success? ‘I will speak ill of no man,’ he said, ‘. . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.’

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain—and most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be understand...

‘A great man shows his greatness,’ said Carlyle, ‘by the way he...

You can imagine Hoover’s anger. One could anticipate the tongue-lashing that this proud and precise pilot would unleash for that carelessness. But Hoover didn’t scold the mechanic; he didn’t even criticise him. Instead, he put his big arm around the man’s shoulder and said, ‘To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow.’ Often parents are tempted to criticise their children.

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’

‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.

Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.

Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’ Remember that phrase: ‘the desire to be important.’

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ said Schwab, ‘the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. ‘There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’

‘Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never.’

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

‘Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.’

‘Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.’

we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’ Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

‘Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire… and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: ‘How can I make this person want to do it?’

Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.

‘If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self- seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.

If out of reading this book you get just one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle—if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

‘self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves.

‘First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’

PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Have good questions and be a good listener

‘It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.’

different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: ‘I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.’

He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over: ‘I love my audience. I love my audience.’

By having a sustained interest in other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most people consider their productive years over.

customer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter.’